I talked to her today, after a long time. Like seriously. It's been what 4 days, when I used to call her every day. I do that with all my friends. I guess it's my girl thing. But anyway, she sounded happy. She was happy after a long time. But, like always, we started talking about Sanah. And then she...well we talked about what everyone did to her. The I  Hate You cards and notes. The running away from her. The ignoring her. I don't know how she survived that. I thought she was so - well who could have survived that kind of bullying? I feel horrible for what I did-she never did anything wrong to me, and everything else were just rumours. I just went along with it because everyone else did.
I feel like seriously hurting myself. I'm such a hypocrite! Here I am, wanting to help people, stop misery, make everyone happy. But I giess that's for when I'm "older". when will I be older? I'm just so- I hate myself for that.
I asked Nidaa and Saba, why they did that, why they hated her since she never did anything to us. I felt guilty. But Saba said, "Don't feel guilty, she has such a bad attitude, she did so much bad stuff..." But what bad stuff?? Noone fully understands what happened, I think. Busmah said she wanted to tell Sanah something, to tell her not to date Ahthisham, because if her dad found out she would be hurt, again. She told the whole group about that. And they went and told her the wrong thing. And then Sanah heard that Busmah was backbiting about her. But Busmah said she wasn't doing it, it was some other girls, she was just saying "mm-hmm" and "yeah, ok".
Should I believe her? Yes, because- well she's my friend. But so is Sanah. But I feel closer to Busmah, since she listens to me...i think.
Anyway, I talked to her and she started crying. She cried, she said "How could you do that to me?" She said she wanted to forgive us but she couldn't. I told her not to, she couldn't. Then she said, "But then God will hate me." She's turned so religious now. I told her that she was only human. But she asked, how we could have done that and still slept at night. It was a slap in the face. How could we do that? I didn't guess how hurt she was getting, because she didn't look it. I told her that. Stupid. I am sooo stupid. Who cares if I got the third highest position in class? I am STUPID. She just cried at my stupidity. And then I realized.

I felt guilty trying to console her. I can't change what I did. She told me she was so alone. If only one person had stood with her. But no one did. The whole class was against her. no wonder she wanted to commit suicide.


I Hate Myself.

Busmah, I'm sorry.