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In limbo.

I feel that I am somewhere in between everywhere that I have been, and where I'm going. My life has changed so drastically from where I thought I'd be heading. I'm sitting on my bed, in my pajama's at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, looking at my life and seeing a circus. 6 years ago I was looking at my life, hating all the friends I had, hoping to find someone else, anyone else to save me from the situation I found myself in.

Right now I feel like I'm strapped in on a roller coaster, and watching as we get higher and higher, not knowing when I'm going to go over the edge and drop into oblivion. I only have a few months before I'm in labor. LABOR! It's nothing like that crap you see on TV, thank God, but it's not exactly easy either. My life was NOT supposed to be where it is now. I am supposed to be drinking, dancing, cramming and living life for boys and the next biggest social event. Or at least that's what people keep telling me...

...and yet I find myself giddy, and excited about my baby boy. He's coming into this world in moments, in days! My little angel will no longer be kicking my bladder and stretching out across my ribcage but cuddling up and nursing with me, cooing at me, giggling at me. I am so excited for the way my life has turned out. Who cares about the rest of that college crap. It's a lifestyle destined to fail, and they'll all get here soon, but it's not for me to judge. I am happy, and I'm not quite sure how to handle it.

Happy or not, I'm still restless. I've been working this entire pregnancy to make sure I'm doing everything right. Eating the right things, making the right decisions, planning, preparing, doing everything humanly possible and now....Now I am in the calm of things...I don't have anything to do but sit, and be still. "Be still and know that I am God." I don't know HOW to be still. Does anyone really? Is it possible to sit and be completely still? I feel a need to control, and know that everything is taken care of...yet, there's nothing TO take care of. It's the strangest feeling. I'm twitching anxiously awaiting my son, yet I am SO glad I'm not where I was 2 weeks ago.

Silence. Stillness. These are all VERY new concepts for me.

In the mean time, I'm realizing who all the toxic people are in my life, and I'm trying to figure out how to be me, and deal with them without eXpLoDiNg because of their endless drama. I need someone to be joyful with me, not terrified for me. And yet, as I write this I realize, they're indifferent. They don't really care either way. They care about themselves, and only themselves, and that is the hardest part. How can I learn to be a friend to selfish people, when I want to be selfish too. I want to have SOME spotlight, but at the same time, when I have the spotlight, its nothing they can relate to and therefore I feel I'm talking to a wall.

Thank goodness for internet, right? If I want to scream into the infinite abyss...well I have that chance.

-Lily