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| thoughts on life |
so here i sit today, alone and bored. i head back down to Toronto tomorrow to start work again. waitressing... joy! studied to be an editor/journalist and this is what i get. i shouldn't complain though; from what i understand the economy is going to shit here and you're lucky if you even find a job. i've been stuck at this dead end job now on and off for the past six years. i know it well. sometimes it can be fun; sometimes it can be hell. i know it's only temporary this time so i'm just going to take it a day at a time. i really picked the wrong time to come back to canada for a visit. i sent my daughter off to summer camp today along with my parents; as usual her father is nowhere to be found. he came up to visit last weekend for a day, first time since... i don't know, christmas! i'm no better though but at least i try to visit her for weeks at a time even if it is only twice a year. at least i have an excuse -- i live on the other side of the world and he lives an hour and a half drive away. it was very sad sending my little girl (ok, not that little, she's only nine but already wearing the same size shoes as me and past my shoulders, and i'm 5'10") away on that big bus to Quebec, i was happy for her that she had such a great opportunity but at the same time saddened by the fact that after i came all this way to see her see is going away for ten days right in the middle. i wonder where she is right now? is she happy? has she made new friends? did she brush her teeth before going to bed? i worry for her so much, despite the constant accusations i get via phone or email from her father whenever i am abroad that i don't care about her. my relationship with my first husband, to say the least, ended on a bad note a little over year ago. we had been together ten years. over the course of the past year, he has become a drunk and a womanizer. it's disgusting and he thinks the worst of me and won't let me have my daughter. says bangladesh is no place for her to grow up. well, with him and his constant revolving doors of bitches is no place for my daughter to grow up either. so the arguement continues. and my poor daughter is caught in limbo with my parents in orillia while her father and i try to sort out our lives and gain perspective again. but they are old and my mother is going in for a third cancer-related operation soon and my father has had two heart attacks so far... and in all honesty i don't think either of them, after a life of alcoholism and poor diet, will make it much longer. so it comes down to it, what will be the fate of my little girl? i feel so awful about the whole situation and it was what drove me back here in the first place. my family hates my new husband, mostly for taking me away to a different country and my daughter hasn't even met him yet, but i fear has already been poisoned by my mother and my ex against him. i feel torn and depressed about the whole situation. i know there is no one solution that all parties will be satisfied with. another rainy day and the more i think about life, the more melancholy i become. ~sigh~
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