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the part that i really loathe

i didn't know that i actually hate this that much...so much that i can't get to sleep the night before and am starting to feel really really scared...
i don't feel secure at all.
i thought that when time passes, this feeling of loathe will soon fade away but it doesn't seem to in the near future.
in fact, i'm stressing myself quite a bit.
i'm really worried.
i just can't do this.
this kind of dread is even worse than that that happened two years ago.
at least at that time i got to know a friend that i could trust and was willing to accompany me.
this time round the situation is completely different.
even when there are people with mei don't feel safe.
they are the schemeing ones, those that can't be relied on.
i really don't know when they will just walk away and pretend that i didn't exist.
this adds on to my already tightened nerves.
it's really tiring to be wary and protective of yourself all the time.
especially when you value them and are afraid to lose them.
i have to learn to look on the brighter side of things.
that's hard really hard.
people can you just be kinder?
not so harsh and selfish?
kindness begets kindness.
i guess they will never understand this.
i am really tired to be on fighting mode all the time.
but i can't stop anymore.
from now on it's this way till 4 years later.
and i don't want to know what you have been through and console you.
you are really so selfish
always about yourself and don't think about other's feelings
hope you can get away from me fast.