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Pressure VS being lonely?

well...2 days left...no time...i must decide by tonight...

it's the competitive problem again...u can say that i'm a person with no guts...ok i won't deny that it is because i have no confidence in myself...i am not sure if i can survive in this competitive environment...i want to win i don't want to lose...but i don't like to fight with others...i want to be always above average...i want to be high up above...those clever ppl are driving me nuts...they are always so good and i can never catch up with them...i feel inferior...
maybe it's also because i don't have the courage...to face new ppl...to face the new system...i don't know when my so called friends will abandon me to be with those who are clever or popular...i have no confidence in myself...the ppl there are just different...they smile on the outer facet but u can still feel the unfriendliness or competition deep within...maybe i'm overly sensitive?...maybe...but the feeling is so strong and my judge of character is seldom wrong...
however this is part of reality that i have to accept no matter how unwilling i am, maybe i shld just brace myself and go through it? maybe i shld torture myself a bit more since i've been blessed so far...

the other alternative that i have is not as pressurising but still competitive and might be very lonely...which is easier to survive competitiveness or loneliness? ppl can crumble under anyone of them...am i up to it? but it's the kind of life that i wld be more comfortable with minus the distance and loneliness...the seniors are really very friendly but i wonder if it's only for the day only...i enjoy being with them but this doesn't last...when problem sets in things can get really nasty...and i might not do well there as well...it's really a gamble and how u look at it....interestingly, luck always side with this alternative and chooses this choice...shld i follow god...or be brave? i'm not sure if my friend still wants to stay with me...actually given a choice, i don't want to stay with her...i don't like her...she's the sort who abandons friends and only treat them nicely when she needs their help...i've seen enough of these ppl...so hypocritical...they're everywhere and they will sacrifice others for their selfish desires...they will try every way to succed at the expense of others...disgusting...but if u think that she is also trying to survive, she's not entirely wrong but just that she's using the most despicable methods...the more i type the more i dislike her...now i must really consider if i want to share with her...haiz no choice i just rejected my other friend's offer...now i really have no choice...sob...

i think i'll force myself and just go through it...which one is it?...i will know tonight...i must know tonight...
and no matter which one it is, i'm gg to have a hard time...and for sure there'll be lots of struggling...maybe i won't survive, maybe i'll be defeated in this 'battle field' but i have no choice but to try...
ok i'll be cruel, there's no such thing as try...