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The Past

I did a lot of thinking today, well in the last few hours, and you might have seen my post that I just deleted about my mother and things of that nature and if you didn't sorry i'm not re-posting it. I just needed to get that off my chest but some person commented and it made me upset because they misunderstood. But I am going to talk about some of the stuff again and add a little more to it.

I am really missing how things used to be, not just with my household but with everyone and everything. I miss how my dad would come home and kiss us hello, how he used to always be here for me(not just in the house but in general). I miss how we used to sit around and make jokes and how we used to prank call random people we know. I miss how when i was sick he would come lay on my bed until I feel asleep. I even miss Christmas because it meant so much more and we got a lot more things and clothes without problems of who would pay for it because we were well off and he was actually our daddy. Now I dont have a daddy, well I do but my mother is pushing him out of her life which causes him to not come around me either.

I miss the way me and my boyfriend once were. I miss how he would always come over, even if it was for a few hours. I miss how we would talk every night before he went to bed, sometimes he would even fall asleep on the phone and I wouldn't hang up, I would just listen to his soft breathing and do homework or even fall asleep myself. I miss how he would reassure me that everything would be okay, even when he wasn't sure of it himself. I miss the way we used to cherish our relationship, now its like were holding on to it with both hands just so it wont slip away. Oh how beautiful the past is.

I miss my grandma. I miss how she used to make me soup when I was sick. I miss how encouraging she was, she even help me with my homework at 3 in the morning. I miss how I would hug her and cry about whatever was bothering me. I miss how we laid in my bed together and watch the news as Bush won the election, we said the craziest things lolz. I miss how we used to stay right around the corner from me and I would escape and run to her house in the middle of the night. I miss living with her, waking up to a hot delicious breakfast. I miss holding long endless conversations with her about nothing at all.

I especially miss the way me and my best friend used to hang out. I miss how I would wake up at my house in the morning crying and would walk to her house and she would hug me and cry with me when I got there. I miss how we used to just lay on her bed and look at magazines and laugh at what we used to point out. I miss how we used to have gym class together and make fun of the guys for trying way too hard to impress us. I even miss the way she laid on the floor with me when I got hit in the head with that basketball. I miss the time I text-ed her the results of my OGT(passed all 5 parts the first time) and she was so proud, she was just so proud. I miss the encouragement, the love, the quality time spent at her house.

Where has everyone gone? Where did I go? Ive lost the secret to my long lasting happiness, the diamond in the golden ring of joy. What I have found I cant seem to get rid of. I leave this house with hope but come back to a house that got the home sucked out of it. Why cant I be happy? Dont I deserve it?