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I am the archway..still unfinished that time has n

It's been a while since I last blogged...and yet, I strangely feel allright with that. While I do love to look back and see where I was not so long ago it's interesting to see where I am now as well. Perhaps one thing that comforts me is that if I really wanted to pour out all of myself for the record, I could always make it private, but then...what fun is all that? Blogs are supposed to be a portal into someones private world that is by invitation really.

Perhaps I should have learned this lesson earlier but strangely enough it was the sharing of something I thought to be so private and intimate that actually led to something positive and real and finally something without pretenses. So while at the time it was embarassing and shocking..and I had felt strangely violated...it ultimately was for the better and not for the detriment.

Right now I am sitting inside an empty house and waiting for people to come by and want to buy it...or any house for that matter. I look around and I see all the nice drywall and lack of construction materials. I think that I should move because my home may never get finished. This is what my life has been relegated to. I am not an active participant but an observer in my own life! How the hell does this happen? How does one allow themselves to be in this situation time and time again?

I started my archway project in my home almost 2 years ago and as of this date, it is still in the same condition that I left it....unfinished. I decided it was a great idea, I got all excited, went all gung ho, set myself loose with a hammer and just started tearing shit down. Unfortunately, I didn't know what to do after that and progress slowed. And now? I'm just living in the remnants of what once was.

Similar is my life. A couple years ago I did something impulsive, quit my job pretty much on the spot after a confrontation that bothered me and have been living in the remains of that decision since. Being impulsive can someimes work out to your benefit, sometimes it just bites you in the ass instead while pointing out what an idiot you really are. While I've managed to fumble through it, it being life after quitting and not knowing exactly what comes next, I know that had I stayed I could have exercised some other method of exit that would have bettered myself, asked for a transfer or switched jobs and would have left me in the end...much better off.

Projects left unfinished, feeling consequences and yet, I still simply move on to the next one leaving a trail of unending, unfinished, projects in my wake. For example, I started ripping up all the remnants of carpet in the garage/converted rec room area and now all the couches and media equipment are all sitting in the middle of my kitchen. Right next to all the appliances that I want to put in the kitchen once I finally get onto that project.

It still hasn't given me any stop to tearing out some of the cabinets with a sledgehammer though. I really seem to love the demolition phase, just not any of the phases after that. Give me a few years and I could probably be more destructive to a house than Hurricane Katrina. Having the best of intentions but having no follow through is like an ant trying to hump an elephant: it could work in theory but what's the point?!

All I can say that right now..I'm tired. Tired of the constant rejection from the sea gals audition process and all the people who ask me about it. Tired of the fact that since then I have been on an uncontrollable pastry bingefest. Tired of feeling like I have to deal with things that are outside of the realm of what I should be doing when I really just want to be able to enjoy the ride too. Tired of feeling like I got what I wanted but expected something different.

Tired of waiting for my life to begin. Tired of waiting for calls and interviews about things and jobs I want. Tired of being so far away from my friends and always having to drive so far to see them. Tired of not seeing some friends at all, even when I do put in time and effort to try and connect with them. Tired of high gas prices and how it costs me more and more each month to do things I like to do.

Tired of feeling like a failure becuase I live in a construction zone and haven't finished any projects. Tired of staring at my kitchen and being able to see the finished project but knowing I can't do it because of lack of money. Tired of not inviting people over to my house because I am embarassed of its condition.

Tired of being tired. Tired of looking for a job that will still allow me to do things that I want to do and not just be consumed by work. Tired of feeling unappreciated. Tired of feeling by myself so much of the time. Tired of thinking about going back to school and then realizing I can't afford it. Tired of not getting the things I want or the things that I think that I deserve.

Wow, this blog really went another direction from what I was planning intentionally. I don't know if that is a good thing or not but there it is, unadulterated, unfilterd and uncut. What I meant to start saying was that it's time for me to start finishing projects.

Maybe so much of this failure I feel might start to lesson if I felt like there were things in my life that I was actually getting accomplished. Perhaps I won't be starting with the archway but I suppose one small accomplishment is really the first step on the way to a larger one.