As the week or so went on some of the feelings of discontentment slowly began to diminish. I have some walls that i really didnt know exsisted.
I block out my feelings to really love mike. ( my fiancee) I even block out the love i have for ethan. I dont want to be like this. I dont. I m begging to see that in life that maybe the things we want arent really the things we need. 
I think i have a distorted memory. I really do. (Note to self ERICA remember that statement) I look back in a few days that have passed and think ooooooo i was so much happier when i was 5 llbs lighter, or i was more motivated when i had pills and so on.
I think back often to other relation ships i have had and think ooo i was way more i love. For other people that may be true, but in my case, its not. The facts are correct i wasnt more in love or else i wouldnt have left frankie. I was nt happier 5llbs lighter i just was thinner, i wasnt more motivated i was just high.
So in saying all this today it leads me to think that those ARE the facts of my life. I think for the first time i am seeing things a little diffrently. It feels good.
I know we are all a work in progress but its hard for me to accept that for some reason. I m hard on my self. I am finally seeing the effects of that now. I now  get what my dad always said to me " erica you are way to hard on yourself." I used to think he just says that to make me feel better. But the reality of it is he ment the consequenses of me beating myslef up so to speak. I need to change, i need to forgive my self.
Today i want to tell my self that i love me. I am special. I am worthy, I am loved.
I think thats the first time i may have ever said that to my self.