I sat at work today; trying to figure out what was wrong w/me today.
I've had a very sinking feeling for almost two days now.
It seems the dark days are ahead for me and Robert.
That's foreshadowed by the notion that soon we'll be lucky to have pennies in our accounts.
I have a lot of despair right now and it seems that nothing is making that feeling go away.
I'm not happy.
This is the first time, in a few months that I have felt this bet down; this discouraged for anything outside of my being.

I don't have much really going on for me to be joyful about, except breathing another day of air.
Yes, I have my husband, but not really.
He's stuck on a damn ship that could careless about the morale of his wife.
I tell people I love the Navy, as a Sailor; as a wife, I hate the Navy.
This entire situation has been tearing me down.
And I know I say that every time, but I realize more and more each day, my husband did this to me; did this to us.
But, I can't tell him; I can't tell him that it's his fault I feel this way.
And it hurts to admit that.
It hurts to realize that my husband; the one man that's not suppose to hurt me, has done something to me; to us that no one else can do.

I found myself in this position before; w/Jacob.
Jacob broke my heart the way a man should never break his wife's heart.
I'm literally breaking inside w/all the realizations I've had w/this entire ordeal.
And what scares me is what if things don't go as they're planned for afterwards?
I mean, WE didn't plan for this outcome; what's to say if things don't go as Robert plans them?
There is just so much that, yes, scares me; but… at the same time… put a put of doubt into my husband; another realization that's tearing me up inside.

I know when I said my vows almost ten months ago, I promised to be there for better or worse… doesn't mean I still can't hurt from it all.

I don't doubt our marriage; that's one thing I actually know for sure… for now.
What I doubt is… faith in my husband.
I feel horrible for admitting that, but the first step to anything is to admit what the problem is.
Robert pointed that out shortly after getting off restriction for three days (on the second day).
He said it was one thing for the Navy to doubt him; it was another for his wife to doubt him.
Just like I almost do doubt that he didn't smoke pot.
My husband was notorious for doing before the Navy; what's to say he slipped up once.
What doubts I do have about him popping positive is:  how; when, where and w/whom?
He and I are almost inseparable.
But, the key word in that sentence:  ALMOST.
There are times that I can't account for; times that he and I aren't always together.
I can only account for certain times and days. 
I don't know what else Robert wants from me; after this situation.
He asks me to be there for him; I am.
He tells me that I need to believe in him that he's going to get a job after the Navy; I'm do.
He tells me I need to believe that everything WE'LL be ok after him getting out of the Navy; that's where I have problems.

We had these plans for the next three years; and it's all down the drain b/c of one decision, one mistake, one error; on his part of not, but it's still puts that wrench in our plans.