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| I'm grieveing for the one person I love
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I'm very much frustrated w/my husband. I'm dealing w/the reprecussions that he has put us through.
And I hate thinking that way. But, I don't think he realizes what this is really doing to me.
It's tearing me apart mentally, physcially and emotionally. And it's also wearing on our marriage.
We got into a bickerment this evening. I hate it.
I guess what really upsets me is the fact that Robert doesn't see what I'm going through; not just dealing w/the possibility of losing my job, but what this has done to OUR plans. I know he cares, he has to, but I don't know if we can spend much more time apart over this. Once a week, I get 10-12 hours to spend w/my husband. Oh yeah, there's holidays too... And his command is jacking him around w/his admin board. GET HIM OUT OF THE NAVY ALREADY!!! It's just frustrating how all this is going down; and it's all wrong; I don't care whether it's the "ship legal" or not; everything is just wrong. And he's not doing much of anything to change it. I mean, it's almost as if... he does want to be in the Navy still. Not necessarily on restriction, but in the Navy. Robert is a good Sailor; not great, but good... He really could do so much if he was to stay in. And at the same time, as he points out, he was a civilian for 10 years before he joined; he can do it again. We're lucky that we won't have to deal w/a deployment for at least three years. And if I get instructor duty, like I want, than we'll have five to six years together w/out dealing w/deployments or underway periods. But, if I do make being a Sailor my life; our life, then eventually we'll have to deal w/these periods of separation. There is some type of comfort knowing I could retire at 38. I mean, at 38, I'll still be young enough to have another career. I don't know we'd fit our family into that timeframe, but it would happen someday. But, at the same time, I've had so many female issues, we don't even know if we can have kids, which would kill me.
I know Robert wants kids; as do I. And Robert said that he didn't marry me for his cervix, but at the same time, there is something about being able to produce something between him and me that no one else can produce. And there's so much that I look forward to w/being pregnant and delievery. I want so much of it to go well; to be something that Robert can be there for and be supportive of everything that's going on. I mean, maybe I have higher expectations than I should. And I'm sure once we're pregnant, it'll be different; at least I hope...
There is just so much that's taking place right now that I have no control over; not for Robert, not for his career and not for our future. I mean, we had the next three years pretty much planned out... Now... now, that's changed. And I don't know if it's for the better or worse. But, almost ten months ago we made vows to be there for better or worse; this is falling into the worse categories. And things also get worse before they get better. So, I'm wondering how much more pain and suffering we'll have to go through before we sun the light at the end of the tunnel.
Hopefully, it's not a train.
Take care, later dayz and better layz.
-Maria
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Posted by mer_1201 on 2007-10-31 01:18:06 | Rating: | Views: 104
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