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breathing....

So he cheated? So we got together too young and 15 years later he built a relationship with an 18 year old whore? So it happens? So he's back? So he's sorry? So four months after realizing the extent of my naivety and stupid ness and having to be told what had happened, I still have moments where I am fighting for air? So he's out tonight with friends and I get to be the "bigger" person and realize I don't want to have him on a leash or live in a bubble? So I am becoming an alcoholic? So no one is immune to cheating? So given the right opportunity and circumstances anyone will or could cheat? So I feel uglier now then ever? So at the point that my pride and self respect is supposed to be at full force I am instead fighting for my marriage? So he’s a mess? So the quilt is eating him alive? So he still thinks about her and wonders how she is “as a person” (yeah right)!?! So he took her to his mothers for the nights and spent the nights in her arms and vise versa? So he showered with her every morning? So she was skinny? So she was close to his height? So she was pleasing and adventurous? So she was young? So your friend tells you today that her 43 year old husband just “opened” a facebook account out of nowhere? So that was the first real sign you missed? So what do you say? So you want to forgive and forget but you don’t see how? So when he holds you and it feels like your home and it’s a shame that what you think about, is the fact that she felt the same way. So you can’t hate her because if it wasn’t her it would have been someone else. So you’re consumed with anger and hate and its bleeding into every aspect of your life? So everyday you fight the temptation of revenge and under toe of emotion that you don’t have the energy or drive to keep giving what you know you don’t have to give. So he has to do the work and he’s as broken as you are. So you scream and rant about it and you feel no better. So numbness has become a way of life. So she blogged about their affair and this feels wrong too but you have no other option b/c he is “in” everything. So?????