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| A poem to God from His lost, rebellious daughter. |
I've been depressed lately (If you read my blogs I think you get the point of that) and lately thoughts, and urges to cut myself came back--I use to when I was Manic Depressive, five years back, and haven't in a long time. But I want to so badly now and it's hard to resist. In one of those moments I set my urges into writing a Poem To God.
Dear God
Dear God,
This hour seems bleak, my feet so weary.
A heart heavy ladened. With fast dwindling hope, and perishing faith, I come to Thee.
When love is no more and You are merely a myth to me I cry out, “Help me love you again.”
Nevertheless, I feel nothing, not even pain.
This day is grey; a loneliness so deep it chills my core.
I can’t see a way out; desperation is seeping in.
A panic settles within my soul and yet I come to Thee.
When I’ve forgotten all I’ve held dear I call out to Thee, “Help me love them again!”
I watch them from afar trying to find the warmth in that I use to feel but I feel nothing, not even a stirring deep within me.
This month has been so cruel; they laugh and call me worthless, to them I’m just a burden.
A disease that should have been permanently quarantined at birth.
They tell me I am hopeless and stupid, that I mean nothing.
And I can’t help but believe them because You’re not here to refute them.
I’m a pig that should be slaughtered and the only thing I’ll ever be remotely decent at is being somebody else’s dog.
So I call unto Thee and I cry out, “Let me hate them with all that I have!” and You say, “I am love.” but it doesn’t matter, for I hate them anyways.
Funny how the things I struggle with all come back to you.
And now my heart is broken; a different spirit locked away for so long, taking over me.
I’m not myself and now her heart is breaking.
I might be willing to take the snide remarks people cast at me, the loneliness that embitters me and the hopelessness that ensnares me with in its trap, but I can’t, and won’t, stand having her hurt so. She is the single most beautiful, loving, faithful person I’ve ever known and, though I have lost sight of this shortly, I cherish her much more than I do anyone or anything else. Just remember she has the faith in You I have not. And even though I can’t seem to fix myself I’ll try to heal her; after all it is my own redemption she is seeking.
I come to Thee for her.
Maybe some where’s along the way it’ll become something more, but for right now she owns me, she holds my heart in her hand.
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Posted by melissailene on 2009-11-11 22:51:25 | Rating: | Views: 63
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