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| can't hardly wait |
This the first time that I finally decided to rest and just be single for awhile.. Since I was in 3rd year high school, there was never a time that i remained single..and this is actually the moment that I'm having the time of my life...
there is a certain freedom to being single, and it isn't all it's cracked up to be... it is in essence a solitary life, even if it is in a certain sense free...
Yesterday I heard my mom singing Sharon's "Ikaw".... As she was going beautifully into the song, I had to stop... not because i was choking but because suddenly, with my mother's crooning and a serene guitar melody in the background, i had an image of myself walking a long marbled Church aisle, dressed in a pristine white, flowing veil, flowing lace.. it was all too surreal, but i swear, i could feel myself glowing with overwhelming love, beaming with contentment, overflowing with security, as i float to my gloom-er groom, i was happy.. happier than i had ever been.
this is funny, even absurd, for someone who laughs at love, and happily ever-afters now, who looks at the world with cynical eyes, who has seen through the deceptive and misleading package of fairy tales, whose traumatic love experiences have made her swear off relationships (well for the moment at least)... this your-marriage-flashing-before-you bit is ridiculous for someone who hasn't had one single serious relationship after that breakup...
it's not that i haven't been interested in the bees, i honestly think that i have a very easy and natural appreciation for the male species, especially the well dressed, well groomed and well mannered ones... i enjoy talking to them, reading their minds, unraveling the mystery that is man... so i guess that discounts me as man hater..
i have had relationships... been there, done that.. more than once... i've had my own share of marathons and booty calls, gone out on dates, held hands, danced in a fancy restaurant (yeah, and it was amazing), late night walks, and someone telling you that you're really beautiful... (yeah right).. ive accumulated a number of interesting invitations, pick up lines, and proposals, both creative and uncreative... ("i like your style, will you be my girl?") and after that fucked up relationship that i had last, my answer has always been a "hell no!"
i've gone through all that and the only thing i haven't chosen to do yet is well, commit...
Serious relationships freak me out now... i abhor the idea of losing my freedom, my own identity, my life, with the invasion of another entity. There is so much of me that i am not willing to compromise. i can't wear this, i can't wear that.. i cant go anywhere without him or his permission.. Curfew's at 10pm.. no smoking no drinking..no nights out with girls that he doesn't approve of... no other guys.. yadda.. yadda.. yadda..ugh... excuse i'm your girlfriend, not your 2 year old!!!
In this world where failed relationships abound and hearts weep everyday, i'm petrified to trust someone, to love someone. i cannot afford to lay down my defenses just to have myself shattered like i did before... i cannot picture myself sobbing the rest of the night because of some petty bf-gf fight.. i don't want to go through the pain that is "break up" or "cool off" or whatever euphemism then have come up for th "the end".. coz hey, I'm scared.. so scared....
just recently i was just talking to my gurlfriend... and i was telling her about my last relationship who died it's painful death... i wasn't able to duck for cover when she started throwing mush my way. i became misty-eyed like i always do... whenever caught off-guard with sudden rushes of sentimental drivel, when she said with wishful sigh, "i can't wait when it's your turn to be found, to be loved like you deserve.."
the thing is, i do want to fall in love, madly-crazily-deeply-head-over-heels in love.. i don want to get over my fear, anxiety, selfishness and cynicism. and one day just jackknife into the world of commitments and serious relationships once again.. i do want to cry over silly fights and buy monthsary cards.. i want someone to wake up in the mornings for, to make plans with... no matter how i badmouth love and relationships, no matter how much i claim i get to nauseated by the idea of being someones steady girlfriend, i do believe in love.. and i do want it...
and as much as i hate to admit it gurlfriend.. i can't wait either....
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Posted by megledesma on 2008-12-21 21:19:24 | Rating: | Views: 46
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