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So I guess this is where I should say that I was warned. This woman that I love so much has again kept me at arms length. Like a dog on a chain and it is very painful. I don’t think she understands or cares for that matter how she tugs on me and then sends me away. Everyone tells me to break all communication with her and let her go as she doesn’t make an effort to keep contact or give any signs that she is going to do anything with me. I have tried very hard to drown my self in work and school. Avoiding the great let down that follows college graduation. A BA degree is worth nothing these days. You can get jobs that are part time doing assistants jobs at shrinks offices and testing facilities, nothing full filling, nothing where you can make a difference with what you do or have opportunities to advance. No you need a masters or a doctorate to meet those quiteria. I have never loved a person this much, but it is not a sexual love, kind of like a love that friends have, except that I don’t think it is reciprocal. She is done with me, I am no longer her student and she can now discard me. I feel like a piece of trash, great for my self esteem. My therapist says that this woman and I were never friends. That the relationship was unhealthy from the start and that students can never be friends with their teachers. That this woman who makes me smile and feel like I could conquer the world only pities me, feels sorry for me and that is why she talked with me and got close with me and is now even more absent than before. By now I feel like a complete piece of trash that has been stepped on, run over, written all over like a scrap piece of paper, and thorough into a trash can, not even a recycling bin, but a trash bin. I am destin to go out to the land field and be laid to rest in a heap of others that she has felt sorry for. I got some involuntary information from someone who was talking with her. Don’t know why they felt the need to tell me this but they did and it just rubbed more salt into my wound. Supposedly this woman that I have tried so hard to hang onto, is telling others that she did all of these things to help me to get into graduate school and that I didn’t listen to her and that is why I didn’t get in, on top of the traditional story that I am annoying ands she helps me cause she feels sorry for me. She didn’t help that much and I don’t know why I am so annoying if I am not even around but once in a blue moon; and I don’t know why she would make this up if it is not accurate. She continued by telling her that I chose schools that I couldn’t get into and that is why I didn’t get into graduate school. Another blow to my self esteem. Who says that? How does she know what schools I can get into and can't? She doubts my abilities as well and that just validates my low self esteem even further. She did sit down and review the schools that I wanted to go to, but she never made a list and put contacts on it for me, as she said she did to this girl. She was always to busy. Always had something more important to do. Must be a northern thing, because I was taught that all things must be balanced and all people are valuable and their time is valuable as well. But then there is the question did she really care, my therapist seems to keep raising this up. I have very few people that I can talk to this about. So it is hard to have my therapist so against this fragile relationship that seems to have never existed in her eyes. It is hard to keep your self esteem up when the world wants to destroy the one joy that you have found in so long, the one person that can make you smile and feel like everything is ok. But as my therapist points out that this woman sees me as a charity case and that is the only reason that she helped me. A relationship built around a charity case, another blow to my self esteem. I tried so hard to do what ever this woman wanted me to do but it never made her happy or even to show her how much I wanted to be her friend. At one point I think she got so mad she said that we could never be friends, that is in the back of my head every time I see her, stealing away the slightest bit of trust and happiness I had with her. I just don’t understand. I have thought that I was a value to her and that it was a friendship. But she continues to confuse me, she tells me that she cares for me, but she doesn’t have time for me. Don’t you make time for the people you care about. Maybe it is another northern thing. Every man for him self. Emotionally I want so much to be her friend and to keep that happiness that she brings to me. But in reality that is not going to happen. I have been instructed to tell her that I can no longer talk to her and must stop the exercise class that I have with her. To cut all ties and move on. But how do you move on if there is no other person that can bring that joy and that feeling of safety to your life? I don’t ask anything of her any more. I do not and will not be a charity case. There is more to me then that, and the one person I let see that is the one person who is to busy or distracted or disinterested to see or appreciate that. It is hard to listen to your therapist tell you that you were being used and now you are unwanted. Why would anyone want that? I don’t know that I can bring my self to let this woman that brings me joy go. I have already tried when she was away for a good while, but I found that I needed her, I cried for her when I was attacked, but to no relief. I broke two teeth and bruised most of my body. With only drunken roommates to help. I even called her best friend for help and was met with a rude dis concern. I don’t understand why if someone calls you at four in the morning you would be so rude. It is obviously an emergency. I find my self in a difficult position. I still want to cry out for her when I am scared or need that joy. But it is gone. I have been sent to the land field and covered up with the stories of so many others that have been through this. I have no one to cry out for anymore and no joy to light up my day.
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Posted by mcginnisal123 on 2008-06-12 12:43:24 | Rating: | Views: 130
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