I am a member of a gym. It is probably the only clean-living part of my life and prevents all the junk food I eat from being turned into unsightly rolls of fat. I also quite enjoy it in a masochistic kind of way. I like the idea that I am paying to do manual labour and it makes me feel less soft and pampered. I kid myself that if I worked on a farm, a gulag, or in a coal mine or as a lumberjack I would not be found wanting.

What I like about gyms is that there is a sort of brotherhood amongst the men, at least when there are no females around. A common ritual consists of asking a man to “spot” you. This consists of him standing over you while you bench press (lying supine lower an iron bar with weights attached to your chest and then press the bar towards the heavens). Generally it is de rigeur to use far more weight than you can manage while having your “spotter” hold the bar and say “it’s all you”. During the hardest reps when you go red faced and try and grind out the final rep, your spotter stands over you and implores you to "push". For this is the closest men come to the experience of giving birth.

Other male bonding activities consist of complimenting each other. This is analogous to women complimenting each other on their hair. But with homosexual undertones. And less bitchy and envious. Actually that is not true. Often it is VERY bitchy and VERY envious.

For examples:

“Wow nice abs. Cubed, dude!”
“Whoa tight glutes. What do you do to tone those peachy buttocks of yours?”
“Love those guns. Can I have a feel? (feels and emits a contented purr)

Of course to lose one’s respect for mankind entirely it is worth flicking through a muscle magazine featuring bloated and oversized boy-men. Invariably these men are “posing”. Or to be more specific flexing their muscles while marinaded in orange fake tan and wearing briefs the size of a postage stamp. Of course these guys are on steroids, but all of them when asked what their life goal is reply “To be even bigger”.

Worth commenting on is the mirrors. A gym is a hall of mirrors with many a narcissus staring at himself for hours. I am convinced gym mirrors are specially designed, because whenever i look in the mirror in the gym i see an arnold clone with bulging muscles.

But I am digressing.

Moving swiftly on to girls girls girls.

Girls are branded into two varieties in gyms. Gym bunnies and regular mortals.

The latter are the everyday english gal who scrubs up nicely but in sweat pants and panting for breath and red faced aren’t the most attractive sight in the world. But I have a lot of respect for them.

Gym bunnies are the girls who never sweat. Who look like they’ve stepped off the catwalk even after an hour on the treadmill. Unlike the other girls who wear sweatpants and baggy T-shirts and look incredibly embarassed and self-conscious the whole time; they wear very very very little. Very tight hotpants and a low cut T-shirt that clings to their toned hard bodies. They have a haughty expression and if they catch you staring at them glare at you and make you feel very very ashamed of yourself.

Many times I have been trying to work out lines to talk to these girls all the while being very aware that

a) They are probably stronger than me
b) I would hate to get expelled from the gym for sexual harassment
c) That these goddesses would never want to go out with a mere mortal like me

But I cast these negative thoughts out of my mind and brainstorm while I mindlessly pedal on the stationary bike. And come up with some sample pick up lines

But first of all I think to myself I should pay more attention to my appearance

So starting with attire I think the following should cut it

Tight lycra shorts, a head band, a wife beater with “Lonsdale” on it….(so she thinks I box)....and a towel with a puppy on (so she knows I am sweet and sensitive)

Now for the hard part: finding an excuse to talk to her

This is my tried-and-tested method:

Accost her once she has finished her set and ask her if I can “work in with her” (alternate exercises). Then when it is my turn load the bar up with much more weight than I can handle, ask her to spot me, end up crawling from underneath the bar with an embarassed look on my face, and then say “Well, er, just coming back from injury y’know. Then ask if I can spot her and deliberately while she is not looking add an extra plate or two to the bar so she ends up struggling and I get to rescue her from impeding death. Then in her gratitude she says “Why thank you sir, where would I be without ah strong hunk of a man like you".

So there you have it! Everything you need to get the most out of your gym membership