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| so uncomfortable, this familiar pain |
Taking stock of the past year and a half. So much pain. Betrayal. Self imposed isolation. Feeling more and more like I'm closer kin to some otherworld beings than humans for my inability to understand what we do to one another. How does one really process grief, violation, anger, fear...deep pain? I've always had something of a massive time delay in emotional reactions. Seems the events of the prior year (or so) are now bubbling up to the surface so that I don't know what to do with it all. I honestly imagine my only true lasting happiness could come from living someplace remote and lush, surrounded by nature, one of the few aspects in this world I trust...animals, trees, earth, butterflies, birds...that's where I derive all my happiness lately.
I have moments, days even where I feel my familiar spirit of joy and freedom, but only when my contact with the outside world is fleeting. And while I've always been something of a faery spirit or butterfly myself, this is different. The other side to that light is such darkness that I cannot keep it at bay and just let it be what it is now. Perhaps experiencing so many levels of disappointment and pain recently are taking their toll, but I really hope it's not permanent. I hope it only serves to sharpen my intuition so that this kind of thing doesn't happen anymore.
But finding out that the person you have trusted with your deepest self for years is a criminal and blithely violates your privacy by allowing others to listen to your private therapy sessions is so disgusting and I don't know quite what to do with that. At the same time, someone I was physically intimate with and thought I knew and could trust turned out to have been using me like a whore while politely courting someone else in secret. I also realized, too late for my liking, that I had aligned myself with a "treatment center" and group of people who were nothing short of despicable...praying on the wealthy or not-so-wealthy families of addicts as they pretended to want to help with holistic approaches when it was all about how to get their money. They could seldom even recall the clients' names offhand in meetings, but they knew exact figures like their own names. And I had supported that unwittingly. It's still horrible. So I left to help someone I thought was in genuine need and desire of support and healing...and found of later that was all a lie as well....another trust-funder milking well-meaning parents as he would sneak in alcohol and drugs while working with me and swearing he was clean.
I've witnessed addiction in my family and watched someone I love deeply turn his life around completely to become someone everyone admires and loves, including himself. I know it can be done, but what I saw and had become a part of was something truly gross. It was all about exploitation, lies, betrayal. And in the process I felt steamrolled. I was so trusting. So naive, as always. When someone you have known and trusted as your therapist for 7 years, and whose family you felt a part of, is revealed to be a convicted criminal and a literal sociopath with ZERO culpability for the destruction of lives his actions wreak...well, I just don't know what to do with it all.
The recent reveal of someone I counted as my best friend to be anything but was another blow. When the shit hit the fan for me and I needed his support and understanding, he couldn't be bothered and made it all about him. How could he??? I'd bent over backwards in ways unimaginable to support him through crisis after crisis and when I finally had one of my own...poof! The person I thought I knew apparently never existed. Another horrible disappointment.
I feel as though inwardly this past year or so has aged me beyond measure. And yet that eternal child in me does not want to change, to become guarded or cynical. She wants to just fly away and be with other faeries or butterflies or birds...how I envy the freedom of the ravens I watch flying around outside. Like you can't imagine. Having read wonderful stories and legends about faery mounds and how people who fall asleep there or even walk on them at certain times end up falling through, beyond this world and into theirs forever...and that sounds so wonderful right now....if I can bring my boys (2 cats who keep me sane and alive).
A book I bought a while ago but never read is calling to me...and as I read about it online I can see why...that Higher Self or inner knowing brought this back up...it's all about this time of life, the transitions, the Kundalini energy, what to do with that, what it all means...so I am flying home to grab it and see if I might derive some comfort and some new tools for working with all of this...I don't want to feel broken anymore, or untrusting. And I don't want to be hurt anymore either, nor do I wish to despise humanity as I have lately. But I do. Mostly. I shudder to think what these feelings would have done to me by now had I not been doing "the work" these past few years; Kundalini yoga, meditation, spiritual endeavors. This must utterly destroy people without them.
I miss my feeling of almost intoxicating joy and freedom...I really long to feel like those ravens and red-tailed hawks I watch every day; floating, coasting, seeing things from that sobering perspective way up above and being limitless...
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Posted by marathongal on 2009-03-12 15:31:11 | Rating: | Views: 54
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