I'm not even sure how to encapsulate my experiences with magickal studies over the years; the ups and downs and how I came to where I am on this path. It seems unfathomable to me to be able to articulate it all, but suffice it to say that for a while, I'd abandoned my rituals and practices, things I'd held as precious daily times of purification and connection, because of losing faith in my teachers and doubting the purity of the information.
For years I would joyfully do my daily rituals to tune in, connect and manifest, using the training and initiation I'd received from a very reputable and interesting Mystery School. But then I began to share with my initial teacher some serious doubts about how much really was "handed down" and how much was pure fabrication. I also saw things happening within the school around greed and money that bothered me, so I backed away, disconnected and stopped the daily practices I'd been so dedicated to for so long. I don't think I missed a day for 2 years straight, and over the course of a few years might have missed just a handful of days. Suddenly, I just hated it all, I felt betrayed, humiliated and lost. But I also kept hearing this small voice that would speak for another point of view, which was that ultimately the rituals worked and brought light and empowerment into my life because of my belief in them and my intention, not because of their source or genesis. It was a soft, faint voice, but after experiencing near crippling fear and anxiety over something recently, I had a moment of clarity that what was missing in my life, what was keeping me from the usual sense of trust, peace and spiritual grounding was that I'd abandoned my practices and had nothing to set the tone for me each day.
So I connected to my Guides again, dusted off the athame and for the first time in many months, I did my rituals. I have to say, it felt incredible. The surge of electricity running through me was like the most amazing high, a drug that can never be manufactured, and I had goosebumps almost the entire time, as though my spirit were thanking me profusely via these wonderful physical sensations. I had a good long chat with my "team", making clear my intentions and my new understanding that the origin of the rituals meant very little, rather it was my belief based on seeing how things happened in my life that gave those rituals the power they had for me.
Now I was plugging back in again with a new level of understanding and clarity about it all. This changes everything. It feels like my thirsty soul is satiated for the first time in a long while, and now when I do my morning practices, it's with a new level of reverence and love.
This has also enabled me to see the people I had been so angry with through more compassionate eyes. Whether the Headmaster's intentions were pure or coming from greed, it doesn't really matter. They're all on their own journies as well, far from perfection and seeking something eternal just like I am. And thanks to whatever it is he and his teachers have shared with me, my life has changed and improved in ways I could neither explain nor do justice to.
Perhaps he did create his own rituals and hand them down under the guise of ancient traditions...perhaps he channeled some amazing things...ultimately all magick, all yoga, all tai chi and rituals had to begin somewhere, and that somewhere was likely a human being suddenly finding Divine inspiration striking and then experiencing a positive benefit from following those inspirations...and then sharing them. It's all being pulled down from the ethers at some point.
What this acceptance also offers me is the freedom to create and explore these practices myself, allowing the same kind of connection and channeling to flow through me. I feel such a powerful, undeniable shift happening, like cells being regenerated, energy being refilled and magick pouring through me...now, everything is possible again.
Damn it feels good to be back.
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