A few things are on my mind this morning...an interesting combination of elements I think:
1.) NIN presale tickets go on sale via his wonderful website today, and I'm genuinely curious as to whether a) I can even get tickets or if it will be busy/sold out, and b) whether I can AFFORD a ticket in a decent spot. As much as I love Trent, since I'm going to this alone I don't want to do the lawn/cheap seats routine. I'd feel like a bit of a tool sitting there by myself, but sitting in a real seat by myself while dancing around like a Muppet on acid...not a problem. We shall see. This being his farewell tour and NIN being my favorite band of all time (and I've never seen him live) I'm really hoping for some serendipity here.
2.) I've found my way back to a combo that I think is the golden duo for me in terms of physicality and emotional well being; running and yoga together. No, this doesn't mean I run in place while doing doward facing dog or stop every 2 miles for some sufi grinds. What a picture those paint though, eh? What I do is far less interesting to observe but feels incredible. I run for as long as I am having a good time and feeling energized, which has been about an hour of alternating long running stints with brief walk breaks to give me the interval training effect, and I even added running up steep inclines for a little simulated hill training at the end. I like to go out with a bang. ;) Then I walk to cool down a bit and follow that immediately with whatever yoga, usually kundalini, is calling to me. I'd only intended to do about 30 minutes each night after my runs this weekend, but both nights I ended up doing 60-90 minutes just because I was having a blast and it felt good. I used to be very rigid and hung up on mileage and timing, which sort of sucked the joy out of it for me and this time I am not even allowing myself to SEE the time elapsed or mileage until I'm done and off the treadmill. I had NO idea I'd been on there for an hour each time, it seemed like maybe 35 to 45 minutes tops. Nor did I time my intervals of walking and running. I spent far more time doing the latter than the former but I always find I sweat more and get better results from intervals, even if those walk breaks are only a moment or two and only done a couple of times. Perhaps I have more fast-twitch muscle fibers? I can run for 3 hours and not get the benefit physically I get from intervals done for 60 minutes. And doing yoga after a run is not only the PERFECT cool down and stretch for pounded legs/knees/hips/back, it helps to release residual tension leftover and I find I can go deeper into the practice because I'm warmed up and I've already released a lot of emotional tension during the run. Voila! My body changes so quickly when I have the right combo in action, I saw a noticable difference in her this morning after just 2 days of this duo. Bodes well for creating the health, fitness and hot-bod quotient I feel is necessary to be a goth rock goddess....which leads me to the next little odd or end...
3.) I am absolutely falling in love with my guitar, and with my practice of this entirely new instrument for me. While I studied piano as a kid and picked that up fairly well, this is my first time really devoting energy and focus towards learning to play an instrument well enough to be in a band at some point in the near future. What inspired me to do this at the ripe old age of 39 was listening to and wacthing NIN...I love that music so much and have for 20 years now, and I found myself completely pining for the feeling of playing this music myself. I'm also a fan of Ministry, some Manson and bands like Thrill Kill Kult and Lords of Acid, all of which inspired me to manifest this new vision...Maddy as the goth rock goddess. I think doing covers would be a great way to start getting into a band experience but ultimately I'd love to be doing original music in that same genre. The way I see it, I've got at least 4 or 5 more decades on this planet in which to explore, express and play...it's time for a shift into exploring the world of music. My family was gracious and kind enough to pitch in on getting me this amazing guitar that my uncle found through painstaking research and love, or else I'd still be drooling at pictures online and daydreaming about what it would be like, one day, to have one. So now I sit down with my Epiphone Les Paul Goth Studio, all customized well beyond my comprehension right now, and practice joyfully every damn day. I'm proud to announce that after just over one week, I already have callouses! I'm a prodigy! LOL That or I have very think-skinned fingertips, but I prefer to delude myself into thinking it's the former. ;)
4.) approaching my 39th birthday, I've been blissfully unaware of the whole stigma around "pushing 40" because of my decidedly unusual, some say loopy, ideas about linear time and agining being illusions and myths. But what I have experienced since just after the new year has been what I can only describe as a descent into the dark side or an enormous fall from grace. I've not felt my "light" and joyful persona express itself or even breathing in there for far too long, and this is a first for me. Or it was. Various people in my life, who shall remane nameless, thought it was about them (narcissist much??) or that I was maxed out on living in Los Angeles, and I actually bought into that second idea. I toyed with moving because my discomfort, anger, rage and dark thoughts and feelings seemed easy to blame on this vapid, shallow town. Never mind that for 10 years, things have been exactly the same in LA and it never bothered me one iota; I lived in my own world of my own creation and paid it no heed. But for some reason I was content to blame my feelings on being "over LA." Not so. I'd gotten into a state of feeling that most, if not all, of the spiritual beliefs I'd held dear for so long were all bullshit, I stopped most of my ritual practice and went into self imposed isolation, only feeling happy and fulfilled within my own 4 walls. I even started to hate a job most people would kill for due to its ease, simplicity, joy and "glamorous" industry; film and television. I'd become one of those people; who resent Monday and can't wait for Friday. I've always found those people baffling, especially here, where we get paid a decent wage to sit on our duffs, answer calls from obnoxious assistants or even more obnoxious agents, talk about TV shows and movies and work for a major network. Bah! Well, long story short(ish), I found my way to a book I bought ages ago and tossed aside because my ego couldn't even handle the idea of looking into a book about "mid-life crisis". Me? The eternal child? Mid-life crisis my ass! But what I found in this amazing book that called out to me like a trumpet at dawn was total, absolute and completel validation of everything I'd been feeling, body, mind and spirit. The book is called "The Liquid Light of Sex" by Barbara Hand Clow and it actually addresses the three major life transitions we go through at 30ish, 40ish and 50ish in terms of kundalini rising, vibrational and energetic effects and the astrological support system at play. It's nothing short of utterly brilliant work, and it's not some airy-faery pie-in-the-sky work either; this is heavy, intense and very scientific, touching on the types of quantum physics that have become a respected and accepted paradigm (finally). And just by seeing an explanation for where I am right now that's spiritual, physical, emotional, mental and positive really turned my whole life around in about 2 days time...enough for me to have read the first few chapters and know that I am now being given more power, clarity and light than I ever knew was possible before.
THIS is where the journey starts getting really good folks. It's not about losing elasticity, gaining weight, aching bones, slowing down or any of the crap we're fed and raised to believe like mindless veal by the powers that be. The agining myth is just that....a myth. There are so many people who have a vested interest in our buying into this fiasco, but in fact, with our cells regenerating every 7 years (completely), in conjunction with Saturn shifts every 7 years (what a coinkidink!), we're essentially new physical and energetic beings every 7 years. So why the decay and breakdown at such a "predictable" and accelerated rate? Mass hypnosis and the power of belief. It also stems from your spiritual life, your emotional life and how you treat these bodies of ours, but it all ties together. And what I feel now, since becoming aware of WHAT this is and what I've been feeling....is just pure, raw, unadulterated and unstoppable POWER!!! I did more incredible physical work this weekend than I can recall in ages, and it felt easy, energizing, inspiring. I did things physicall and mentally I couldn't have done as an 18 year old, and I was a buff, bright 18 year old. Now that I know what's happening to me energetically, etc, I can channel it and work WITH it instead of feeling like a little tugboat being tossed around turbulent waters. Now, I DIRECT the waters. Wow, this is an amazing feeling.
Thank you Barbara Hand Clow. Thank you Universe and Guides and my own inner voice for guiding me to this book and these understandings. Am I over the new age bullshit still? Absolutely. But now I'm connected, clear and completely energized.
It was quite a weekend, let me tell you. Am I back to where I was? Nope. I'm someplace even better. There's a razor sharp clarity at work now, a fearlessness, a deeper understanding...the kind of energy I used to see in women who intimidated the crap out of me! LOL Now comes the integration of sexuality and sensuality with this power, vision, creativity and clarity.
Let's just see what comes next...but I am loving where I am right now.
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