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| I call bullsh*t, on myself
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Let's see...there are a few things that I need to get straight, more for my own peace of mind and ability to create the life I TRULY want than anything else. When my birthday rolled around this year (in the linear time illusion) I declared this the "Year of My Truth" but I'm finding that now I actually have to stop bullsh*tting myself, which is a slightly annoying and unexpected side effect of this declaration.
Since I moved here from Chicago 9 years ago - holy crap, it's been that long - people ask me almost daily if I'm an actress. I'm not exactly sure why this is but I can speculate that is's either my transparent need to be worshipped and adored by total strangers, my delicate ego (the backbone of any good actor) or my appearance (meaning, meticulously done makeup every second of every day that I'm outside of my apartment). Whatever the reason, my usual reaction is either horrified disdain for the very notion, a blank stare as I wrestle with my own demons over truly loving and wanting to do something that every other schmuck out here wants to do (I HATE to be one of the many), or a somewhat reluctant and almost guilty admission of having once entertained the idea. Why? I'll get to that in a moment because the why of this one underpins the why of everything I call bullsh*t on today.
In the past year or so I'd started to slip a toe out of the acting closet by admitting only to having a desire to do classical theater, like Shakespeare. While it's true I've drooled over the work of the Bard since I first heard his words caress my appreciative ears as child, it's certainly NOT what I'm daydreaming about as I do dishes or run on my treadmill. I have to agree with a famous astrologer, Linda Goodman, who asserted that your daydreams were your higher self or spirit telling you what you really came here to do and experience. When you look at it that way, which is actually true for me, my real acting aspirations are now and always have been to act in movies. Nowadays there is also some really respectable work to be had acting in TV based projects, particularly on cable stations like HBO and Showtime, so my daydreaming has roamed into that arena as well. It's a HUGE part of why I'm working on the webisode series that's my passion right now...I can fulfill two childhood aspirations at once; writing and acting.
So the first bullsh*t to be called - yes, I want to be a famous, successful, respected actor for television and film, able to do the kinds of fun and quirky roles I enjoy watching myself. I'd also like to author a fabulous series of novels, of which I have the foundation built already but that's not on the front burner just yet.
The second thing I've been flat out lying about to anyone and everyone who asked, including my own sad self, is about love. I even posted a blog on here a while ago talking about my feelings against the concept of marriage and blah blah blah...all bullsh*t. While the idea of being dressed up like a lliving merengue puff and "given" to someone as property and losing my identity is certainly not something I endeavor to at any point, I also feel that marriage, like anything else, is about the intention you bring into it. Do I like the idea of a binding legal contract coming into the sphere of spiritual union? No. Absolutely not. That part still sticks in my craw. And if the day comes when the two people want to part ways, God forbid, then it's a whole legal nightmere instead of a mere packing of boxes and saying "I wish you well."
That notwithstanding, I can't lie anymore about the fact that yes, I'd LOVE to marry a wonderful man who makes my heart go pitter-patter every day, someone who makes me laugh all the time, someone honest, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, creative, supportive...someone who is my best friend, who's the first person I want to talk to every morning and the last person whose voice I want to hear before I fall asleep each night. Sure, the idea of cohabitation makes my skin crawl right now, no doubt. I'm so thoroughly enjoying these past few years of total freedom, complete privacy and blissful autonomy, but I also know that when I fall in love that will all, or mostly, fly right out the window, as it should.
Lately, I'm finding myself surrounded, almost helplessly so, by really genuinely happpy couples who are either married and loving it or who are about to take the plunge and couldn't be more joyful if you pumped bliss into their bodies intravenously. Not to be egocentric, but I get the feeling the Universe and/or my Guides are trying to get something through my eternally thick head. And I get it, I really do. It's been so long since I've been in love, about 5 years now, that I've forgotten how amazing it really is and that's something I'm not ok with anymore.
I've seen some horrible marriages, and I've seen some amazing marriages. What I'm admitting to right now is that I DO want to get married, have kids and share my strange and wonderful life with a husband who is as crazy about me as my boss is about his wife. Never in my life have I heard a man voluntarily rave about his wife and the feeling of being married like I have in this job, and that's part of what has me realizing that it can be as fun and silly and spontaneous and youthful and wonderful as you want it to be.
And of course this complete fallacy I've been touting to myself and the world about not wanting these things has resulted in a life without them. Duh. We create our world, our lives, every moment of every day. The conflict of my inner world desiring certain things with complete abandon and my outer self blocking that with non-truths is just not the way I want to live anymore. Period.
And is it any coincidence that exactly when I make this declaration of truth, to my inner self and to the world at large by verbally expressing this (thank you for listening to that yesterday, Brett) I found myself getting all kinds of attention from the opposite sex this morning when I went for my iced coffee? Of course not. But now the Bat-signal is clear and true.
The why of it all? That nasty old demon we all harbor without conscious permission; fear. Fear of rejection, failure, success, finding you're not talented, not wanted, not young enough, not thin enough, not this enough, not that enough...HORROR! But thinking on that wonderful question I hear quoted from time to time, "what would you do and who would you be if you had absolutely no fear?" Yikes. I'd be a famous actress and writer in a wonderful relationship with amazing kids. At the very least I could have scored a date with the yummy guy I met this morning at Starbuck's with the adorable Portugese Water Dog. Either way, it ain't a bad picture. And I think the only way to pull the plug on this energy-drainer and dream-killer is by calling it out and taking away its closet power and mystique. Fear can't live and breathe in the light. So here's a blast of honesty and truth to disintegrate the shadows once and for all.
Deep breath...I AM an actress and a writer, and I DO want to fall passionately in love with a wonderful man (for me) who loves me right back, get married and have kids.
Phew. That wasn't so bad.
Calling bullsh*t on yourself isn't the easiest thing at first, but it damn sure is liberating!
Let's see what happens now. ;) |
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Posted by marathongal on 2008-08-05 16:42:50 | Rating: | Views: 51
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Your post made me smile! :)
It is truly brave to call bullsh** on yourself! I've noticed that so many of my "problems" and drama usually stem from my not being honest with myself, and, by extension, with others.
As for relationships and taking the plunge....I'm pretty sure marriage is just about the ultimate bullsh**-caller of them all! Buttons pushed, triggers trigged, egos colliding....how beautiful (from a spiritual perspective ;) haha
Of course the "co-habitating" with your best friend is the coolest part, I think. And, yes, I agree that marriage is very much how you define it. There are definitely some pretty well-entrenched oppressive "institutional" type aspects to it, but I think we're in this really interesting phase of evolving what it means to be married.
Love,
a woman about to take the plunge :>
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Posted by msmansfield
on 2008-08-05 17:24:58
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