What do you do when you have an epiphany or a moment of incredible clarity and finally realize that someone you have know since you were 12 years old is not only a totally different person now than you thought, but that they never WERE who you thought they were?
I'm having that realization slowly sink in lately about someone I counted as a very important friend in my life...that he's not the creative, funny, sweet, wonderful angel I made him out to be in my own mind and heart. He never was. That has been a trend in my life; I cast a powerful glamor spell without even knowing it, which rendered him a being he never was.
I can't really fault him for that, he did nothing to encourage that illusion, it was entirely self created and sustained. And I think I do this an awful lot...I want so badly for a certain role to be fulfilled in my life, to feel a certain kind of connection, that I imbue people with attributes that will make them seem to fulfill those roles. And then later I wonder why I'm left feeling hollow or betrayed...I'm the one doing the betraying here, which is not to say I'm beating myself up here, I'm not. I see that it stems from a deep longing for certain kinds of love and support. When I don't find that coming into my life in the ways in which I picture it or need it, I create it. Pretty nifty trick, really. A great example of how we can survive just about anything just by our own resources. That's one of my survival mechanisms; creativity. But instead of just doing it on the page or on a stage, I've been doing it in my own life.
So the trick now, I think, is to start breaking the spells and taking the time to really "see" and "know" people for who they actually are, rather than projecting what I want them to be, onto them. I didn't know I was doing it before. I do now. It explains so very much. So now a "friend" I once counted as a lifelong best friend, is someone I have absolutely no desire to speak with or see ever again. He's a stranger, and time and again I let myself experience vast disappointment within this connection because I was convinced he was this other being.
How interesting...how utterly interesting...how well do we ever really know anyone?
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