Sometimes I really am the LAST person to know who and what I am, I swear. But this morning I'm starting to feel rather like Harry Potter when he found HIS wand.
All these years, I studied acting on and off, spent time writing lovely scripts and novels I'd keep to myself (that will change shortly, I assure you, and myself) and wondering what my compulsion to stay in LA was about when I do NOT want to pursue a career acting or screenwriting...I hate the proper channels here.
At the same time, I've started having these odd dreams wherein people were telling me, quite emphatically, that I am, of all things...a director! Now, considering I worked for a fantastic film and TV director on and off for 10 years with NO inclination to become his mentee or student, this is almost a comical revelation, but a revelation it is.
Last night, feeling optimistic and excited but also lost and floating aimlessly, I did a card reading, which is my way, and found very clear messages about a new path and paying close attention to dreams, visions, daydreams and coincidences. This morning, as I was writing an email to a friend about wanting to test the waters as a director to see if this might be a calling, my boss called me into his office to talk to me about...wait for it...directors. We never discuss directors. My jaw dropped and I felt a rush of energy all over, I even giggled.
As I sit and ponder this, it's starting to make perfect sense as I reflect on my childhood and my fixation on directors more than actors...Steven Speilberg in his prime, Coppola in his prime...David Lynch then, now and always...Patrice Leconte, whose films I devour like a child eating Halloween candy...Werner Herzog...Wim Wenders...and with my personality (a bit, ahem, outgoing and forceful perhaps?), background in acting and theater and writing...well, it sort of fits doesn't it?
I'd still love to do some acting, but not to where I'd lose anonymity or starve for it. But to direct a play, which is where I think I should begin, would be rather a heady and lovely experience; the choosing of a play, the editing, the casting, the blocking, the rehearsals....this explains why I've been so drooly when finding directors like Leconte, or when reading the book that contains transcripts of Gielgud directing Burton in Hamlet...geeky pleasures unless it's something that specifically calls to you.
Funny that I'd considered every aspect of filmmaking and acting other than this all my life, and would constantly insist, emphatically, that I had NO desire to direct. Pretty funny, eh? Methinks thou dost protest too much?
I've much to learn and a ways to go but how invigorated I feel right now! As the Brits say, and I do love their culture dearly, I've gone all round the houses to come to what seems to be a rather obvious conclusion. Bullocks. Better now than never.
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