This is my first blog entry...ever.  No one I know should ever find this and I hope no one minds if I eventually get honest with myself here in the privacy of no where...is this nowhere?  I don't know who will find me here.  If you do, you might be the only person ever to meet me...know me.

Everything I believe is about relationship and connectedness.  This "place" is the opposite of everything I believe and stand for.  It could be an experiment or might be me betraying myself.  This might be my ticket to hell, or my admitting that I am already there, here.  I need to make the turn.  I need to never look inside again.  I need to look out to see, really see.

Today I am sad to a degree that is extreme, but not particularly interesting.  I don't want to be sad, but I will admit to enjoying the drag on my heart.  It is addictive to feel what might be total separation and loneliness.  NO, this is all a lie.  I feel no separation and that is the real truth and problem.

I feel everything to the degree that each and every person I have seen feels themselves.  For everyone, I have felt, and I have died for...a bit every day.  A few I die for daily.  One I die for every moment.  She is sad right now and I wish I could explode, literally explode to get rid of the pain and anxiety I carry now.  I need her to be happy.  I need to care for her...I have no choice. 

(By the way, if you think loving anyone is wrong...FUCK YOU!  You know who you are...God I really mean that...FUCK YOU!)

I need to let out some kind of expression.  I do and did and someone made it all feel like a lie.  So I will run.

end today