Tonight has been a horribly overwhelming night. I will start with the fact that i finally got fucking approval for my thesis topic!!! i honestly never thought they would ever make a fucking decision, but the woman in charge sent the email tonight around 1030pm, i didn't check it until after midnight. I am kind of annoyed that it was so late that i couldn't call people, most of them were sleeping by that time. So i texted those who i thought might be around, and only Master was still awake. He called me, and told me how proud He was of me. Finally having the approval was overwhelming in itself, but it only accelorated what had already transpired earlier.
Tonight was my last visit with Daddy. saying goodbye to him was a lot harder than i thought it was going to be. i cried the whole way home, and for a good while after i got here. Our time together tonight was intense as usual. He knew that it was the last time he was going to get to beat me, and he used his time wisely. I was only disapointed in myself for using my safeword. Sometimes it happens though, i know this, but i really try and stay away from it.
When i spoke to Master i was short with him. As i was laying in bed crying after i hung up with Him, i started thinking about how it was when He went away the first time, how i hadn't cried this hard since that time. I also thought about what it would be like if He ever left me again. I don't think I would make it. I know that sounds dumb and horribly co-dependent, but i know i am not strong enough to withstand another blow like that. Master's birthday is in 5 days. it makes me sad that he will be spending it with a girl i have never met, yet i hate more than anyone on this planet, all because she can touch Him and i can't. Terrible thing, isn't it? i shouldn't hate her, but i do. i just need for all the fucking waiting to be over already. i am not a patient person, and i have been patient for FAR to fucking long. I need to make a trip before the year is over.
oh, i was a very good girl when it came to the birthday present decision i made for Him. i got Him something he has been wanting for a good long while. a cane. He got it Monday and loved it. He did say that he wasn't going to use it on the girl i hate, out of respect for me, and the fact that she doesn't deserve it. i know she will never be able to hold a candle to me, and that is why i handle it as well as i do.
i am not looking foward to being replaced by all my lovers in New York. i know it will happen. it is already happening. i told Daddy that i didn't like the idea of being replaced. he told me that i could never be replaced. that made me smile and cry a little more, but he didn't see it.
i am going to attempt to get some sleep. my eyes are puffy and swollen from the crying i have done tonight.
sweet dreams Bloggers,
~maggie
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