i am sitting here listening to the snoring of the only man i ever really loved. Tonight is my last night with him. I told him it had to be this way because i am leaving on Friday, and i can't be a basket case the day i leave, so we had a nice night together tonight instead.
I am so grateful that i know him. i am so grateful that i met him at this point in my life. he saved me from going down a very destructive path, and ended up making it even better because he loved me, and made me love him. Saying goodbye in the morning is going to break my heart, but i know it isn't the last time I'm going to see him. Our paths will cross again and i am looking forward to it. I don't plan on letting the friendships that i have made in NYC go to waste. I worked hard, and sucked a lot of cock, to establish them as well as i have. The men that i consider friends now are all one of a kind and very special in their own ways. However, Jesse stole my heart. His going away gift to me was a portrait that he painted of me. It looks JUST like me and is probably the sweetest gift i have ever gotten from anyone, EVER. Just the time and dedication alone makes it incredibly special to me. i will miss him desperately. i will worry about him a lot too. But i know that together we have helped each other so much, that there is nothing we can do but succeed. he is an amazing man, and i will be jealous of every woman that has him after me, but i will remember that i had him first. and that i helped him come out of his shell. (he told me that, I'm not blowin' my own horn here folks).
Did you ever see the movie 'Dangerous Beauty"? It was a movie based on the book "the honest courtesan". anyway, i wish i could write like the main character. I guess you have to live in the time period, which if i recall correctly is the renaissance. also takes place in Venice. So not only is it about a woman who is slutty, but the scenery is amazing. She writes the most beautiful poetry for her lover, the one man she cannot have. talking about the way that she trembles at the slightest touch of her lover's lips. how she tenses her body with anticipation of his touch. that my dear bloggers is what i want next. my relationship with jesse was the best thing in the world for me right now. longest relationship to date, which shows that i can actually accomplish things. two, i learned how to trust someone, which has been really hard for me in the past. and three, i have grown and understand the give and take of a relationship. There is/was a huge amount of love involved as well, but next i want more passion. and maybe more aggression.
I don't plan on dating anyone for a while. Once i get home i'm going to dive into my thesis as hard as i can while looking for jobs and hopefully getting one. cross your fingers for me.
I finally spoke to my Master tonight. it has been about a week since we've spoken, and when that happens i get a little flustered. Sometimes, actually it is more like usually, i get sad and start reading emails he's sent me, listening to phone messages that were left and saved, or i just flip through the pictures that he has sent me a few times. it gets harder for me each week. i have to know if He is the one i want. i can't take it much longer. i miss Him far too much when we don't speak for it to be nothing. And i have invested a whole lot of time and effort into the relationship that we do have for me to give up. not that i would give up, but you know what i'm sayin. Goddamnit it is almost 2am and i am not tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have to get up in 4 hours. FML.
Wish me luck guys, in the next few days. i am transitioning back to being a southerner living in the sticks, 30 minutes away from the biggest city, living in a town with ONE stoplight. I can't wait to have the peace that comes with life there again. I am ready for things to slow down. i am ready to smell the fresh air, and most of all i can't wait to see stars.
happy thoughts!
~maggie
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