Thoughts.com Blogs

View Blog

Camp

The memories flooded back. Summer, friends, intimacy. I hadn't been here since middle school, and now i was headed to college. It still looked the same, still felt the same, it was the same, only i had changed.
My eyes were bright despite the ten hour car ride. I was ready. Ready for change, for hope, for faith. My girls piled out, wide eyed taking in the majesty of it. The trees graced the edges of heaven. The water kissed the sands. The sun whispered lullabies of joy. We felt holy nestled there amongst the forest. Everything we were was about to be changed and we embraced the idea, clinging to it with white fists.
We hauled our suit cases to our cabin with an electric vigor. The girls laughed and joked late into the night, but woke rested the next morning. It was our first real day. We all set around the breakfast table, still high on the newness of our surroundings. Before we knew it the camp was overflowing with kids. Not kids, but not adults. The bell tolled and we ran across the dusty ground to line up and check in. Then i saw him.
He was tall. Curly brown hair. Rectangular black glasses. He was beautiful. I hid my glances as i began to chat with my kids. He was my boy's counselor. He had a slight frame that was sleek yet solid. His dusty toes poked through black sandals, and his arms seemed secure, warm. His curls swayed in the wind, mocking the motion of mine. It wasn't until i noticed his eyes that i was truly taken by him. They were soft yet on fire. In them i saw sincerity, hope, love, purity. They were honest and took me in farther than i wanted to go.
We stood next to each other as we waited to enter the cafeteria, and glided silently by one another. Had he seen me? Had his world halted for the briefest of moments? Had his heart slowed in hopes of hearing mine? Mine had. I felt a peace and a stillness when i looked at him. Somewhere inside of me i knew that life would persist with him there.
As quickly as the thoughts came to me i suppressed them. This week was about my girls, not my own ambitions. I was here to help them grow and understand and deal with life, not peruse a love interest. Plus, i had promised myself no more boys. I needed to find myself in His picture again before i could think about bringing someone else into it.
The camp had asked me to play in their worship team for the week and i was elated. As i sat plunking away on their piano he walked in, guitar case hanging from his left hand. We introduced ourselves. His name was marty. After some small talk we began playing, and it felt right. Two people sitting next to each other creating sonic vibrations all in hopes of pleasing this indescribable god that we worship. It felt like home.
Later that night my girls razzed me about my new acquaintance. They said we should get married, have beautiful children with brown curls, and play music together. In the back of my mind i agreed. But i had given it up, and His timing and plans are perfect. If it was ment to be it would be. My prayers were consumed with him that night.
The next day came and passed. Prayers ascended and were met with peace. It was a good day.
On the fourth day my heart soared. I was in my pastors cabin talking with his family. Their daughter was asking me about all of the male counselors that i had met over the week, and i laughed at her enthusiasm and reassured her that none of them felt anything more towards me than friendship. That's when life picked up. Doug looked at me, a crooked smile adorning his face, and informed me that one of them had been talking to him about me. Although he wouldn't tell me who it was i knew it was him.
I couldn't contain myself. He was the boy that you dream about every night, but in the morning can't remember his face. The boy that you pray for every night. The boy that you know would never let you go.
A smile broke and my eyes filled with life. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was everything i had been looking for my entire life. Maybe he was the boy that was created for me, my other half. Doug wouldn't say who it was, or what that person had said until he talked with him.
That whole day my stomach was uneasy. Not a bad uneasy, but a hopeful nervousness. I couldn't eat, concentrate, all i could do was pray. Lord, please, if this is what it's supposed to be let it happen. Lord, thank you. Lord, please quiet my heart. Lord, if this is the one, thank you so much, and if it's not please bless him anyways.
It felt like i had been sailing an uneasy sea, and finally i was coming into port. My weary legs and chilled bones were about to be rested. I was almost home.
Then, right as i was entering the harbor, my boat sank. I could see the lights in the shops, hear the welcoming shouts from the shore, almost feel the hardness of the land. I was so close. He had been talking to another female counselor. She lived near him, was gorgeous, and had a beautiful heart. What was there to do.
Holding back my tears as i stood there in front of doug i let go of the whole idea. I was supposed to be the next jane austin anyways.
But as i turned and walked towards the chapel my soul felt like it was being torn in two. I had laid it down, and it wasn't to be. But if it wasn't to be why had i felt such peace? Why had all my choices, why had my road led me to here? Why did all the pieces suddenly fit together?
I sat at my piano and tried to concentrate on the music before me, but then he was there. We laughed as he tried to play along with me, hitting the right keys, but sounding more like a child's plucking than music.
That night i couldn't sleep. I laid in my bunk, listening to my girls breathing against the night, and prayed. For peace, for understanding, for the man that i would marry. After a couple hours i grew tired of just laying there. I slowly rose from my bed, grabbed my bible, slipped out of my room, and quietly walked towards the chapel.
As i walked the night air quieted my mind. The stars hung from above, offering a map and a light for me to follow. The trees sang to me songs of hope and the ground promised me support. I slowly opened the doors of birch lodge and walked into the sanctuary.
As i entered the chapel I could almost hear the echos of prayers, new and old, reverberating off of the walls. I could see the kids and adults who had filled the alters with wet eyes and broken spirits, and left renewed. I could feel the lives that had been touched, the prayers that had been answered and i felt at ease knowing that my own trials would soon be left here also. No longer my burden, but one shared.
I sat against the wall, resting my arm on the first step of the stage. I read and reread proverbs 21:30. There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the lord. I prayed for him and his past, his present, and his future. I prayed for wisdom for both of us. I prayed for her. For her future, her future husband. I prayed for peace and understanding. I prayed for god's timing, for his hand and his will to cover my own plan. I prayed for his way.
I went back to my cabin, feeling helped but not healed. I slept for two hours before ending up back at the chapel. While the rest of the camp slept i continued to pray. For all the kids, for the counselors, for my heart. It was the last day.
We said our goodbyes and waited to load our bags. He came up and said that it was a pleasure meeting me this week. I said the same, and then he walked away. I wanted to run to him, shout for him, tell him everything that i was thinking, but i didn't. What would have changed if i had? He was staying here with her, and i was leaving. It was simple math. Three minus one equals forever.
He was all i thought of and prayed for on the drive home. How could someone that impacted me so deeply, someone that i was so taken by just be gone like that. But god it amazing. Just when i was beginning to feel not good enough the clouds, black as night began to billow in. The rain soaked the earth and the wind howled. He was washing me clean, reminding me of his power. He made everything, and he knew my love of the rain. As the storm eased the most beautiful, perfect rainbow i have ever seen took shape. And then upon a second glance there was another one. My breath was taken away.
So that's where the story ends, or rather where it left off. Maybe he is still the one and maybe the timing was just off. Maybe he wasn't and maybe he was supposed to end up with her. I don't have the answers. I guess I never will, but here's to hope.