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I wrote this back in June

Sitting in the airport I can’t help but wonder, how many people really do look in a mirror before they leave their houses. I mean seriously people do you even care what you look like? I’ve spent my entire life worried about how others are judging me and come to find out they don’t even judge themselves. What the hell have I been thinking? I woke up 2 hours early this morning so I would have enough time to pack my room, shower, shave, put on make up, iron my pants and at least put a half ass effort into this mop on my head I call hair sometimes. In my world appearance is everything. Just another fact reminding me that I live in a world unknown or unacknowledged by most. Even on an off day I still am more put together than most.
Yesterday was one of those off days. I walked into the pizza place, wearing a dark denim skirt that went to my mid thigh, black shirt with a pink half shirt covering my shoulders. Nothing to skimpy and nothing to extreme. I had my make up done, my hair straight but thrown back into a ponytail. It was hot and I felt like my face had almost melted off, but that still didn’t stop the boys behind me from whistling and making comments like, “DAMN!!” Most people would be flattered and to be honest I was a little but at the same time I couldn’t help but think to myself “I wish I was normal” But I’m not, one day I will be, when I leave this world maybe I will be. But for now being different is all a part of my lifestyle, it’s required. Beauty isn’t always a blessing, sometimes it can make you feel more alone than you ever imagined. One day I would like to be able to walk down the street and just go unnoticed, no honks no hollers’ no stares. I wish I could just blend into the background and hide. Since I was a little girl I have never been able to walk down the street and feel invisible. I went out once to a mini mardi gras type thing, and through the course of the night I was surround by a swarm of people yelling for me to show them the world, and shoving beads in my face, I felt a cloud of panic overcome me, I had lost my friends within a matter of minutes and was being mobbed. I don’t feel safe going out without people I know can handle situations, I don’t feel safe leaving my house without my pepper spray in hand. I feel vulnerable and I never knew what it was like to be desired.
I can’t have friends because no one ever wants that from me, I’ve never had a guy tell me that we make better friends than anything else. If I am nice in anyway it’s taken as me being flirtatious. I just can’t win. I want to be able to hang out, have fun and really enjoy someone’s company without him trying to get in my pants afterwards. I always know people have ulterior motives and I should know better. But then in my world, being desired by everyone should be a good thing, but how many sexual objects do you know that feel respected and justified in everything they do. I want to be able to hold my head high and know that I’m not being watched because they think I have a cite butt or pretty eyes or whatever else they watch me for.
I would have to run around sloppy, without make up, my hair a mess and big baggy sweat pants on before people will treat me equal. I’m no different from everyone else, a little well polished but that doesn’t mean I’m a dumb blonde, that doesn’t mean I can’t do anything for myself, and that doesn’t mean that underneath this manicured frame that there isn’t more to be discovered. I like being pretty, but sometimes I feel that that is all people see. They don’t see this bright, funny, and mostly lonely girl hiding beneath it all. One day they’ll see that there is so much more to me.