Thoughts.com Blogs - And it all comes crumbling down....

View Blog

And it all comes crumbling down....

I spent that night alone but what was new about that? So tired of nights spent wondering, his brother had called me around 1am to see if he was around me... I got worried, I always do. I'm always so scared something is going to go wrong because it usually does. That night I stayed up till 4 am, waiting and wondering. He never came back and I text him that I was worried and to call me. I finally seen him around 8 am! Frustrated!! We went to lunch late that afternoon, somewhere around 3 or 4.. he had to go wash his hands. I had already been on the brink of tears until my phone got a text message from HER!! HisPosion text me back MY MESSAGE TO HIM!! Everything around me went to surround sound and I my breaths seemed so deep and heavy. I felt consumed and was loosing it, as he walked back into my sight from the restroom I raced from my barstool and rushed into the bathroom. I just paced back and forth I had no idea what to do. My heart was pounding through my chest and it was hard to breath. After about 10 minutes of gaining my composure as calmly as possible I walked back and just set my phone in front of him. Of course he had NO IDEA how she got it, so I explained, it went from my phone to his to hers, read the delivery note. You have to LOVE technology. We spent most of lunch queit or making double sided comments. I cried as soon as I was alone.
The next day it all came out. I flat out asked him because as much as he will mislead me if I ask the right question he wont lie to me. He just has to have no way to answer in another direction without lying. I asked him if he'd seen her, I asked him if he's slept with her and I asked him the ultimate question worse than all of these things I asked if he broke his promise to me and he had. For three hours we went rounds, him trying to justify and me showing him that there was no justifying this to me I explained to him how hard it was to trust him inspite of all this evidence telling me otherwise because I was trusting his word... Even if he didn't flat out lie to me he mislead me and that was no better!! . I told him I would leave if he did, I was stuck what did he expect me to do. I am not that weak little girl that has no truth behind what she says... or so I thought.
For a few days we didn't really talk, I swore I'd leave and I felt torn. I stayed calm and we talked and I got real deep about how I felt on the subject and he hung his head and I could see his eyes tearing. He actually shed a few tears over this, and in the 12 years I've known him I've only seen him cry three times, and never sober like this. I guess I am cold hearted because I was still angry and I still was going to leave. I told him how hard this is for me, I told him that I feel like I gave in and gave up because by all rights I SHOULD have left him, but something has just made me stay, something has made me feel like he really does want me. Like he's taking a stand, and he told me he doesn't plan to see her again but I read between the lines, that leaves him a loop hole, because when he sees her he'll tell me he didn’t PLAN to.
Today he's been a little off, I asked him earlier what was wrong. He said nothing, I said something He said nothing and I left it alone. But I knew he was lying. He'd been in a bad mood all day and something was chipping at his shoulder. So when we were on our way to dinner this evening he told me he's got a lot on him mind and that's why he's so quiet. And I asked if it was about her and he said no, well kind of. Way to ruin my fucking night in one sentence!! Then he said he shouldn't have told me, and I told him I knew anyway. Later I told him he probably shouldn't have told me. He tells me he hasn't seen her since before everything blew up for us. And he's never bold faced lied to me before... so... really who knows...