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what happened

11:17pm-

It's late. I cannot sleep. I keep thinking about My Love. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have so many questions. So many doubts. His parents are pressing him to make a serious decision about our relationship. Whether or not I am the one. They aren’t pressing him to propose, but to decide on a commitment, otherwise, get out of the relationship now, and fast. I can understand this pressure. We are getting to a point where continuing the relationship puts it under the category of “serious”. If we break up, we could have just been “dating”. But the emotions shared are nothing less than serious, and to lose him would be tolerable, but devastating. I also wonder if this pressure comes from them observing My Love talking to his ex after mass. ( an activity I would love to end). Perhaps they see him drifting back to her and so they want him to end it with me to save face. It sounds logical, and I hope that is not the case. But I am in this state of vulnerability. A state that I never liked being in and I would try very hard not to be placed there. But here I am. I am laying on my back, watching the pendulum blade inch closer and closer to me, and My Love is holding the lever. I am so unsure. At times, I wish he would just end it, so that I could begin healing…Most of the time, I truly hope he stops the pendulum and releases me from my bonds. He gets the sense that his parents and some of his closest friends don’t agree on our relationship. I wonder if this is something that weighs heavily in his decision to be with me. His ex still texts him, and I wonder, how wide is that grin he gets when he reads those messages? Is she something that he just has to get over? Or is she making her way back into his life, hoping to kick me out. Today he received a text message, and he didn’t check it. I found that strange. He gets upset whenever I mention his ex, when I ask him about her. He feels like it’s a constant reminder… and it is. It’s a reminder of his guilt. He wouldn’t be so upset if he wasn’t guilty. I just hope that a simple kiss is all it was. I hope that these talks and messages aren’t taking him from me while I sit in the sidelines. I don’t want to raise a fuss. I don’t want to cause tension. And I don’t want him thinking that I don’t trust him. I just don’t trust her. She wants him badly. She has home field advantage. Should there be a rule against being friends with a woman you have slept with? I am starting to think so… same for women and men. Is My Love cheating on me? Am I going insane? Is this all just some idea from betrayals in the past? I have no answers, just that pendulum.