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This is another letter to My Love... but i actually sent it this time...

Dearest Love,

You don't know how many letters I have started like that... So many letters that I have never sent to you. Looking back now, I dont know why i didn't send them. Perhaps it is because I always found something extra to add on. I don't really know how to describe the way I am feeling. I don't even know if i should bother telling you because I dont want to play to your conscience. I dont want to guilt you and make you feel like complete shit just so that you will come back to me. I dont play that game. Let me just say that I am terribly unhappy...... This past month has been anguishing for me. Everything went to hell and back and then to hell again so quickly. And through it all, I was supportive. I gave you space when you needed it. I gave you a choice to stay or to leave. I didn't influence that in any way. Then, you came back... and it was amazing. I was so happy. You told me that you loved me, and that I was perfect...etc.. But then, just when I thought everthing was going to be great, Your EX came into the scene. And that kiss.... I never understood how you could call me perfect one day, and then two days later, be curious about your feelings for another woman... You said you loved me, but then wasn't sure if you still cared about her.... And I.. I let that go.. for some reason, i have no idea why... I let that go... I said, alright... It happened... lets move on... There wasn't much of an apology... but we moved on, for the most part.... Then five days later. We went to the river together. We had a blast. You kissed me like you meant it. It was fantastic... But then towards the end, you fucked up yet again, and you know what that mistake is... Without talking to me, or asking me, or even thinking about it, you could have compeltely altered my entire life!!! And now, I have to sit here in suspense and wonder what is going to happen, just because you weren't thinking... But i told myself, dont worry until you know... and as if all of this wasn't enough, you had to hurt me even further. I sent you that picture, and the only response I get is " nothing i haven't seen before"... thanks for the compliment.. you dont know how hard i cried that night... I am sure a comment like that is REALLY going to boost up my ego. If i had sent that to any other person, I would have gotten a reaction immediatly, and a damn good one too... I have been looking over these things to be polite, because I dont want to lose you. But God damn it ... You are killing me. My heart cant take this hit after hit after hit... And even after I take all of these painful hits, I dont see any remorse from you... Perhaps that is my fault. Perhaps if i had shown my emotions to you more, you would have realized the severity of your actions... You dont seem truely sorry for what you have done for me... When I messed up, I raced from school to apologize in person and to beg for forgiveness. That was my way of showing you how sorry I was, and i have done everthing I can to be your perfect girlfriend... what have you done?.. On top of all of this, you get so angry with me when I ask you if you love me. How am i suppose to believe you when you say you do? I dont feel love from you... I just dont. I dont know what is on your mind... when I ask what is wrong, you say nothing.. but if it was nothing, things wouldn't be this way.... I dont know what you want anymore, nevermind how to give it to you... and I deserve better than this shit. I deserve your love, affection and honesty, because that is what i give you... On the phone, you sound happy, and that makes me happy, a little. But i do not feel the same.. The only time I am happy is when i am with you, and even then.... And even when you sound happy, it feels forced. I just need to know what the fuck is going on... I need to know if you really want this relationship.... or if you even love me.... Be honest with me. If you really want this relationship to work, you have to talk to me, and tell me what is going on in your mind and heart. I love you, as painfull as it has been... But this rollercoaster needs to stop... Write me back, or call...

Yours, always,