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The way of the Lord

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I looked at his peaceful, almost dead looking face. It was now morning outside. We had spent the night in the emergency room and were finally back at the apartment, but it felt as though it was still night. He was sleeping there on his couch, so safe and cozy, looking as though worrying about nothing. I longed to lay there next to him, especially because of how cold it was in the place. Barely did I have the guts to ask him, so instead I just sat there, staring at him as he slept. All I could do was to wait, and waiting was the most disturbing. This was the man who had told me he wanted to die with me, who had promised me his heart, and whose ground he walked on I worshiped. I worshiped every decision that he made, every expression on his face. He was my breath. Suddenly I noticed him waking up. Finally! I thought.
"Can I lay next to you?" I at last asked, quietly and with insecurity in my voice.
"No." He answered me sharply.
I looked at him in disbelief, although knew he would answer me that way and thought about something clever to say to him that he would respond to, but the only thing I could think of was a question that was always on the top of my heart.
"Do you love me?" I gathered enough courage to ask him.
"Of course I do." He calmly answered me after thinking about it for a few seconds.
"Then why aren't you there for me when I need you the most?" I challenged him.
He repeated my question and thought about what to say for a moment.
"I can't allow myself to do that right now," he answered, and went back to sleep. I knew it was over, I had known that for a while now, but had refused to give up. I had persistently chased him for over two years. Then I knew that it was soon to be completely over, but just couldn't make myself let him go. I started to cry, and quickly my crying turned to bawl. It was the same kind of bawling that I did nearly as soon as I had met the guy. Most of the time I couldn't really locate exactly what the feeling was inflicted by. I just knew that it was out of my control, and simply overwhelming, as though I was stuck in a large, foggy cloud. Everything seamed motionless, and nothing was living or exciting when it was happening. All because I didn't have what I wanted.
So I continued to weep. I weeped and weeped as loud as it would possibly go. Partly because I couldn't help but bring up what was inside, partly because I wanted to get his attention. I don't know whether he was passed out asleep, or just pretending he didn't hear me. They gave him morphine back at the hospital, a lot of it, but what they didn't know was that he wasn't the one who was hurt.
It wasn't that now I had no car, or that my right arm looked a little deformed, it was that now I had no way to chase after him. There was no way to see him now, no way to drive to his house miles away only to wake him up in the morning for work, no way to try. It was as though a part of me had died that day.

Sometimes we want what we can't have, and it hurts. Sometimes we pray and we cry for it, or either we try with all our mights to achieve it, but it simply doesn't happen. But what we do not know most of the time is that God, who always has plans for us, no matter how close or far we are from him, stops it. He stops it because He knows that if we will have it it will eventually break us. He knows what is not good for us, He knows, when we are too ignorant or too full of desire to even try to stop ourselves. How my relationship with my ex fiance ended and how the one with my husband started is not what is really important to share. But what is important, is that I now know what I could not possibly know back then. I desired something that was not for me, which I now see would never satisfy me. God gave me a husband that I did not expect. When I think about it, he is exactly that which I had secretly longed for all my life. I had literally searched for him all my life. He is exactly everything that I wanted in a man, in a husband. His affectionate side, his humble side, his funny side. I couldn't find somebody like that, although I had him in my imagination. His name is Oleg Pislar, my Husband, the love of my life.

What do I say to all of that? The only conclusion that I can take from it is that many times we don't even know what we really want, what is trully good for us. I had trusted in God about my love life, although I couldn't control my feelings, and He has not let me down. ^