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serenity

Well I accepted that I am ok with life being unfair, pesky, and occasionally overwhelming. I knew I had to rely on myself to pull myself out of the hole I have been in for the last few months. I realized that I am too hard on myself, and I finally forgave myself for not being perfect. Things went wrong for me this week. I figured out that just because things go wrong doesn't mean that I am wrong. I always blame myself for the things that don't go smooth in my life. I feel very at peace now, and I look at my all the decisions I have made over the past decade as the best decisions I could make being where I was and how I was at the time. I know now that the past is something that I have to let go of . I need to accept all my random experiences as links in a chain, each one unique and leading me back around to a charm that represents my soul. I do not see my life as a continuous line with hurdles and imperfection to struggle against and curse anymore. I am not saying that sometimes experiences are not difficult as hell to go through, but whether I see the purpose or not is irrelevant. The purpose of life is to have purpose to live to, continue, to "fail". Really the only true failure in life when one does not try. One becomes so scared of hurt, pain, experience, rejection, ridicule....ect....that they chose not to participate and hide. Does this mean it is wrong to be fearful....no...fear is a natural reaction based on past experiences. It is when the fear stops you, gets in the way of you doing the best causing you to resist risk. I have forgiven myself for freaking out about what I am going to do and the pressures of all the people with their expectations or me. I feel often that I don't live up to expectations of people or myself. I have been programmed to think that everything I do is wrong because its me trying and I always fail. I am reprogramming myself now. I refuse to let fear stifle me. I refuse to let the past and the hurt haunt me any longer. I will try to accept the things I cannot change try to have courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference, and wisdom to allow myself to feel but not give up faith, hope, and love. I had a strange experience a few weeks ago when I was attempting to pray about my problems. I heard something whispered very softly in my thoughts when asking "why am I here? Why was I born." The words that answered me were, "You were born to love." That was all. I didn't understand but now I feel like it has value. If I was born to love, why have I had all these people hurt me, leave me, lie to me, become weak when I needed them to be strong? Why has it been so difficult? It is because we see love as always positive, always good, always enduring. One thing we often forget about love, is Love is difficult. Love is trying. Love is hard. Love can heal people and at the same time it can hurt you to the very depth of your soul. I was born to love, and I have loved many people, I have turned the other cheek, I have helped a great deal of people through working, dating, and befriending people. I look at the people in my life and most of them are screwed up to societies standards. I used to think....I attract freaks.....heh. Now I know that I am attracting the correct people for a very precise reason. I am the girl who loves them. I am strong with others around me are weak. I am forgiving and eternally just a nice person. I have tried to fight those characteristics because many view them as naive, and self defeating. I see it differently now. I have been there for people who had no one else. Yet in the same respect, now that no one can help me, I realize that I really can just help myself. I do not need to rely on others as they have relied on me. I can be my own hero.I have forgiven myself and feel very empowered knowing that even though many of my attempts at relating to people have proved pointless, I now see that I have always gone into life giving people love whether or not they understood it or it was unappreciated. As long as you live your life to the best of your ability, trying despite the risk of pain, and work and relate with love in your heart ,you are undefeatable, you will always win in the end even if it seems like you are losing time and again. Society has drilled happily ever after into peoples minds. I think my story goes happily never after. Life is a challenge, its going to unfair, and you have to accept that happiness is a concept not an obtainable concrete thing that you will find pick up put in your pocket and always be. Thank god for that because otherwise people would fight over it. I expected myself and my family and my friends not to let me down. People will let you down. Love them anyway and love yourself for being strong enough to love them anyway.