awesome. the guy I like doesn't like me. I just was informed by my dad that I can't move back home. I am trapped here in a city where I have no friends, no family. my job is torture and well I have hit rock fucking bottom. i feel like theres no way out. and its so funny because im typing this and the only person i can talk to is my blog. people ive never met.. im at the lowest point i can think of because everything that i thought was looking up for me has been annihilated now i feel more alone than I ever had. its not about the guy its not about the job its not about my parents refusing to let me come back home, its just that i have had enough. i just want someone anyone to read this and listen and i feel so pathetic that this is the only way i feel like can express myself to anyone anymore. i cant call anyone, I have noone. it hurts really bad. I am really just messed up right now because my family never tells me that they are proud of me. when i graduated from highschool, i took a year off of school, I could have been a bum and lived with my boyfriend forever, but i got it together worked full time and went to school, made my way into college, I got a 4 year degree, and I landed a job right out of college. Ive been busting my ass despite being sick and lonely all year, and when I told my mom that teaching just isnt what i feel like i need to be doing that next year if i come back i probably will have to quit halfway through the year because this year has been hell, she just says well youll have to keep teaching you have to do it for at least 3 years.My dad said I could not come back unless i had a teaching job. So, i guess ill quit my job and move back to a shitty ass apartment in the city, and work doing whatever because i just need a break, this year has been really horrible. I feel like i need to go back on antidepressants because i cant think straight I have been crying for help and noone gives a fuck, im isolated, and i just dont see a point in trying anymore. I feel overwhelmed, I feel like I can't funtion the way society wants me to, and I miss that comforting hollow feeling that I had when I was on lexapro. It just hurts so much to be alone. I know I made myself this way but i thought I would make friends, I thought I would be happy, i thought things were finnally coming together, but they never do. i have worked so hard, im such a good person, im almost naive sometimes im so good and I try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt. My parents told me if this job didnt work out i could come back home. My own family has stabbed me in the back. i feel so alone, and now i cant even call that guy ive been talking to. Noone cares about me. I feel like what my ex said was right I will never find anyone that really cares about me. My own family has decieded they dont want to help me. Ive been banished. I feel so damn alone. I can only handle so much failure all around me. Ive blown the job, and this guy is just kinda a bystander to all this crap in my life but being rejected by him still hurts and it doesnt help the situation. All of this coming down on me today has pretty much just devastated me. My dad was screaming and screaming at me on the phone and i just had to hang up on him. My heart is just completely and utterly destroyed now. I feel like I will never be good enough for anyone to appreciate me. Im just not good enough. I wish someone cared. I feel so alone. I dont know what to do. I feel so trapped. I have a life I don't want to live. I never thought I would end up here after all the work I put into my degree, into moving into starting a new life. I never thought I would end up in a miserable place, and feel like I had no options, the point of getting a degree was to open up doors, now I feel like all the doors are closed, I have these damn loans to pay back, and I have to work a job that I really honestly do not feel like I should be working. I feel very lost, and its only been a year since I finished school. I really screwed up. If I could go back in time I would have never moved here. I really wish I could go back in time.