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How can I believe anything you say when everything you say is just so perfect.
You cater to my feelings, my whims and you always know just what to do and say.
One would think that would be a good thing, but you do it with all of your female friends.
It's like you have a need to make yourself so special and irreplaceable to anyone that touches your world and you want to keep them all.
You have a little collection of people who like, love or have loved you and you pamper to them and keep them likeing, loveing or needing you in their life.
You give them all pet names, time, attention, love and special treatment.
You are the perfect friend.
I'm another in your collection of loved 'friends'.
We all adore our friends, their unique ways and our history with them - It's a personal thing. Some friendships you down play and give the impression are not more than a pain in the ass, but even those ones go deeper than that.
Now, believe it or not I don't really have a problem with your friendships.
My problem is - What the hell am I doing and why can't I stop?
A few weeks ago we decided to call it off... well you did but we both knew it was coming.
We had no real direction, nowhere to go.
I can still hear you... " yeah I've thought about it and I can't do it Honey"
Your reason was that it was the hour and a half distance between us and that when you want to hold me you want to then, not in an hour and a half... and that you can't let go of your heart to me with a distance like that because if 6 months later it doesn't work out you would be shattered and you also don't want to hurt me. You swore there was no other reason and it had nothing to do with me, it was nothing I did or didn't do and that you wish it was something like that because it would be easier if there was a reason to hate me.
That doesn't make sense... wouldn't you not let go... wouldn't you stay and make it so there wasn't and hour and a half between you if that was distance only reason? Well I would! We had talked about other things before that may have been an issue before but you didn't mention those.
We cried over the phone as we said goodbye to what we had.
You know laughter is my weakness... you can always bring me around with laughter, you've done it many times. We laughed about the good times, stupid stuff and remembered the parallel universe we created where we are and will always be together.
When there was nothing left to say that night, you said... I hope you know how much you mean to me, I'm not letting you go... we will always be friends and I will always be in your life... you can try and shut me out but you're not getting rid of me, I hope you know that.
I felt tortured, how do I just adjust my head and heart to friendship mode?
The next day you called and txt to make sure I was ok... I thought it was very sweet but found it really awkward too, it made me sad... I still had all these feelings for you and I was hurting but how could I be mad at you? And like you said, you were there all the time... we have spoken by phone, txt or online every day since then.
Even after ending it you bought me an external hard drive because you could get it at cost, you picked me up from the airport and drove me to my brothers because I had no other way besides taxi (That was hard, it was the first time I saw you since we broke up - but I was grateful you did it) and you are keeping my website that you built for me and plan to teach me how to use and manage.
Eventually things eased a little, you were considerate of my feelings and weren't openly persuing anybody new, you told me that even tho you ended it you needed time to heal too and that you werent looking. Eventually we had a few flirts with eachother but it was so easy to do considering sex was about the only area we were completely compatable in, that and the fact that we enjoy eachothers company and laugh alot. We arranged a day you would visit so we could discuss what happend and we could answer any questions either of us had.
We both knew that with the meeting we would end up in bed and decided to look at it as closure... and to treat any time we were together physically as the last time...because one time it would be. So this was to be the last time.
What the hell?!... this sounds an aweful lot like a fuck friend, but we convinced each other that it wasn't that and never would be.
I had to keep reminding myself that we are 'just friends' now... but with more flirting, talking and reminising on both sides our conversations grew longer and deeper until one night on the phone we both said 'I love you' I was comfortable with that, it was said in friendship... and for some reason we, especially you became alot more open. I had never seen you like it. You admitted that you weren't sure you trusted yourself not to play up on a girlfriend and that was partly why you ended it. You said anybody else but you... I am not going to hurt you like that. (Sounds like such a selfless act doesn't it)
We talked and laughed about how nothing would drive our frienship apart... I believed you because it's something you have always said. You said if any future partners of yours had a problem with it they would just have to deal with it, you would say something along the lines of... she's a dear friend and I love her.
We were caught in a very long moment of complete honesty and you told me a few personal truths of the heart with some past relationships. I felt honoured that you trusted me, and was actually glad we were just frinds now... well that conversation left me thinking to say the least!
I made a new friend online and boy did you get jealous! It really stirred you up... I had no idea you would be like that, let alone notice... no idea, none at all. As far as I could tell you had no romantic interst in me any more... I knew you loved me as a friend but that was it.
You openly told me you were jealous and that your heart is still with me, and not to tell you about anyone else trying to pick me up. You were confused by the fact that you got jealous because you didn't think you would. (Why not?) And you said you realised you still loved me and not just as a friend when someone else had stepped in, that as far as you were concerned I was still yours and you were mine. You said some really beautiful things on the phone, then you asked me if I hoped we could work out down the track. I said 'oh please don't ask me that'... you said 'ok, I'll be honest.. I do'. (false hope?)
I was happy to hear that but so confused at the same time, nothing makes sense between us, we are clearly not compatable but we have so much desire for eachother.
What the hell was I thinking? I had my own reasons as to why it wouldn't work and I was overlooking those myself. You persued me at full force over the next few days, it was just like we were together again only this time we didn't have any 'relationship' status. (not that we had much of one last time.) Then the day of your visit arrived. You said so many beautiful things that night, to me and about me. We raced out twice, under the stars so we could kiss in the rain, thats what I like about you.. you never think I'm nut's, you'll just be a nutter with me.
We had no idea where we were going or what we were doing but that night we both wanted it to work... again!
I forget how you said it tho... I wish I remember because there was something quite wrong in it. Something like you'd like to think of us as toghether and wait and see if some.. er.. something happens that you just know you have to be with me again.
(But hang on... didn't you say the getting jeaous made you realise I was what you wanted?)
So I asked you how you know all this emotion isn't just fuled by jealousy and you said you knew because with any other ex you haven't been jealous over. I questioned that too but I knew you would stand by what you were saying in that it wasn't jealousy fuled emotion...
Fact is you got jealous and you wanted to sway my heart back toward you... and you did! Yesterday I asked you if you were looking to meet someone new, you answered that you weren't looking and your not 'not looking' - well that to me means if something comes along that sparks an interest you'll take it.... and now, 3 days after I saw you.. you now have a new online contact, she's in another state so I dare say nothing will come of it but considering where you met you are looking!
You are so nice... no wonder everybody loves you, thats just the way you are, people need you and you get that by making them feel special, calling them pet names, pampering them and keeping them active in your life an a personal level - a great friend.
You told me you would frustrate the fuck out of me (and put that down to being scorpio) Well... Scorpio or not... you sure do!
Questioning you could easliy be seen as being jealous, ungrateful or erratic.... god knows I have felt all of those in trying to work this out!
You still haven't told me you no longer want something more, however you told me about your new online friend yourself, you called her a random... you talked it down like it didn't matter. If you are trying to drop a hint why do you play it down - is that to keep me with false hope?
You still call me sweetie, honey or chicky... it's sweet.
I know if I you don't hear from me or see me online you will contact me, probably the same day.
I know if I ask where we are at, you will either say you don't know yet or I can't do this honey... 'but you will always be my friend, I love you, I hope you know that'
What the hell are we doing?
I have edited this so many times, mostly taking out personal details, things you have told me in trust and my opinion on it.
The funny thing is that even the first time we were together the best I got was 'lets take it slow'
I know for the sake of my sanity I have to let you go but I don't know how.
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Posted by loveBITES on 2008-02-09 05:32:42 | Rating: | Views: 126
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This was so sad and beautiful.
Jealousy is a big CLUE to real love feelings.
You are not jealous of someone meeting new love interests, if you are not romantically interested in them.
If that is going on, I would encourage you to keep making new friends.
Sometimes, we have to lose someone, to really appreciate what we had.
Hugs for your heart dear.
I have not seen you around in awhile.
I do remember you very well.
Peace.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2008-02-10 18:25:52
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Your guy sounds like a guy that needs to be loved and not neccesarily by you. You're in a bad place because you love him and he's still looking. He will drive you nuts if you let him. The taking it slow thing is over. Tell him how you feel and give him the ultimatum. If he don't bite on the ultimatum keep walking and don't look back. If he is a true friend he will let you go. Good luck sweetie.
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2008-02-11 04:43:14
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