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So I've changed blogging sites, again. Reading over some of my previous entries at my old location made me realize it really was time for a switch. Can't have all my dirty little secrets and discontents all in one place. Not that I've been writing about them recently. Last time was when my parents visited. Something about company seems to bring out the discontent and unhappiness more than the days I can just float through without really thinking.
It has officially been 4 years, 6 months of generally floating through reality without thinking all that much. Unemployment will do that to a person I guess. And staying at home playing video games all day while He is away at work all day... has definitely worn thin. There's only so much crap I can do in World of Warcraft, Guild Wars, and Lord of the Rings Online before I bore myself to tears.
Maybe I won't bother stopping at tears next time. Boring myself to death might be a welcome change.
Ok, yes, I'm out of sorts and moody today. And yes, it's ... almost entirely... my own fault. I didn't put up that much of a fight when He suggested we move down here, closer to his work, and away from the "city" (not that I consider a place with only 80K people much of a city. I've lived in suburbs bigger) I should have. But how was I to know that "staying home all day, no major responsibilities, can play video games and watch movies all day" was going to get so damn boring?
And how could I possibly have known, going into this arrangement, that I would see NO ONE during the day, except Him. I would talk to NO ONE during the day, except Him (unless you count the people I instant message inside games, and occassionally over Yahoo or Aim or whatever). I spend the majority of my time ALONE all day, doing... nothing important. Hell, I'd settle for somewhat mentionable.
And I never would have dreamed that a simple visit from... anyone... was going to be such a major change to my daily schedule, that once the visit was over... and I had to return to my normal life... I was going to be completely... unhappy... with where my life is.
My best friend, Matt, was visiting this weekend. He was here for three entire days this time. And for one absolutely fantastic day, I got to laugh, tease, joke, and ENJOY his visit without reservation. And then He had to go and spoil it all, by complaining that I was having too much fun with Matt. I was giggling too much, laughing too much (at things He didn't think was funny), and apparently I was "petting" Matt too much.
Matt's my best friend. He's the brother I sincerely wish I'd had (as opposed to the indifferent, uncommunicative, disinterested brothers I DO have). There is nothing "going on" between us except a close friendship. And even if there WERE a serious attraction between us (matt's NEVER indicated that he was interested in anything other than friendship from me), neither of us would DO ANYTHING about it. I'm married. BOTH of us take that very seriously. And that makes the both of us off limits to each other.
So why did He have to ruin it for me? I get three, maybe four visits a year. A potential GRAND TOTAL of 10 days of company from people I like and care about. And he finds a way to ruin my enjoyment of those visits every damn time.
Giggling too much. When my parents visited, I was " too tired all the time" (my mother emotionally exausts me... whose doesn't?)
So... that's what's behind the new login name. I had no idea when I got married it was going to happen... but I've lost myself. Somewhere along the line, I apparently lost the right to be who I am. I'm not sure how or where. But I am not allowed to be myself around anyone else... on penalty of having to deal with His insecurities, suspicions, and snide commentary.
Something's gotta give. I'm isolated, lonely, bored, and ready to kill Him and leave Him in a ditch somewhere.
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Posted by lostmyself on 2007-08-27 11:04:31 | Rating: | Views: 90
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Hi,
Just a question. Does "He" not allow you to have friends? or you just don't want to?
If you haven't found a job, you could volunteer during the day while he is at work, that way you're not bored playing video games at home and you get to feel useful at the same time.
Don't stop smiling! Giggle as much as your heart desires!
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Posted by Cecy24
on 2007-08-27 11:15:35
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Oh, I'm allowed to have friends. I've met a few people here and there. And I've applied for jobs every week since we moved here. The problem is mostly in the location we live, and available transportation. Only one car (since mine broke down completely and we haven't been able to replace it), and NO public transportation. It is a VERY long walk to town. Being in a less-than-convenient location to visit makes visits from other people few and far between. And the On-call nature of His job makes it tricky to visit others, much less get to and from a job (reliably). So while I'm allowed friends, I haven't been able to make any close ones since we moved here. When we moved here, He promised it would only be two years... maybe three. It'll be five years this winter...
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Posted by lostmyself
on 2007-08-27 11:33:12
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It seems you're not happy where you are living. I think you should have a SERIOUS talk with your partner about this.
You cannot and should not sacrifice your happiness and your well being for the sake of someone else's job.
You need to stand up for yourself and be happy again because you deserve it!
If the area where you live is bringing you down, talk with your partner about moving. And if you feel he doesn't understand or care, move alone, but move before you become too depressed!
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Posted by Cecy24
on 2007-08-27 14:34:49
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