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My Terrible Year - 2007

I had such a horrible year last year. So far, the worst year I've ever had.

Last year I started it with looking for a wedding dress because I thought I was getting married this year. Well.. that hasn't gone to plan. So I now feel like an idiot. Lucky I didn't buy a dress.

Two months later, I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. We spent sleepless nights in agony about what to do. We agreed that we didn't have an ideal situation to bring a child into. We decided to have a termination at 7 weeks. He wasn't ready to be a father. I don't think he was ready for the responsibility. I still don't think he is.

As for myself, I think my heart was ready. I knew I'd be ok. I have an ideal career for motherhood and I felt I was strong enough to go through it. But I found myself thinking about the shame I would bring to my parents... and his parents. Having a child out of wedlock is taboo for both of our cultures. I think my parents would have been okay after a while. But our child would've been a symbol of shame to his family. He was scared that I would be ostracised by his relatives.

I couldn't bear to tell anyone that I had an abortion. I told my closest friends that I had a miscarriage instead. My parents didn't even know that I was pregnant. My sister is the only one in my family who knew about the pregnancy.

I still feel a pang of regret everytime I look at a baby. A girl friend told me about her pregnancy a couple of weeks after my termination. She was 9 weeks into her pregnancy. We would've been due in the same week. There were 3 pregnancies in my workplace last year. Mine would've been the fourth.