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| New prespective, new day, new future... moving for
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I woke up today with a new feeling. I felt that today was a brand new day and that I had every control of it. I laid in bed for a few minutes just reflecting. I told myself that I'm done with crying. I've shed enough tears. I'm finished with feeling sorry for myself, and feeling lonely and alone. I know I'm not alone. I have people that care about me, and I should start recognizing that. I'm done with "hoping" for something that will never happen. I refuse to let this "grief" or sadness get in my way of achieving my dreams.
I talked to a counsellor at school yesterday. I wanted an opinion from someone who did not know me at all. I wanted to get the prespective of someone who was outside my life. I wanted to get advice, input and feedback on my failed relationship. She was an awesome listener. I let it all come out. In the end I knew I was angry. I haven't allowed myself to feel angry, and at the end of the session, my grief turned to anger.
How dare he take my future from me! How dare he break his promise to me, that he will try everything he can to make me happy! How dare he make me believe that he was the one, only to shatter that hope and leave me with nothing! How dare he throw away 5 years! How dare he to move on so quickly, to use me to get over "us" faster, and leave me with nothing to help me get over "us'! How dare he lead me on, to make me think there was hope to salvage whatever was left, only to hear "no" when I asked him to take me back! How dare he say no! How dare he break up with me, leave me with so much grief that it almost affected all of my hard work at school! How dare he...
My counsellor suggested I find a "closure". One of the things she said I could do was to write. Write about what I liked about the relationship, what I hated, what I valued, what I learned, what I will miss, what I will cherish. Then burn it. Watch it desintegrate into the air. Finally say goodbye.
Where is the "good" in goodbye?
I woke up today and I thought, "I'm going to show him. He lost something that was truly valuable. Everything that I will do now, will be all about me. I will finish school. I don't care if I went back to school to get a better job, so we could finally settle down and buy a house and start a family. Now, I'm going to finish school because I WILL get a better job, I WILL buy my house, I WILL succeed without him in my life. He's going to regret letting me go. He's going to find out from someone else how happy I am and how much better I am without him. He's going to find out that I found someone else who is making me much happier than he ever did. I'm going to be the one "that got away".
I'm following a new path. My own. I'm moving forward. I'm not allowing this to get the better of me and shatter everything I've worked so hard for. My plans have changed. The counsellor was right, I'm scared of the future because I don't know what's in my future. I based most of my future plans around "him". Now, my future won't include him in it. It's all mine to plan, to tweak, to change whenever I please. I told her I felt like he "took my life from me", he took a part of me because I shared my life with him for 5 years.
Now, I'm taking my life back, and this time, it's all mine.
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Posted by lostandlonely on 2007-11-21 13:25:29 | Rating: | Views: 85
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I believe everything you said.
J
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Posted by OKOFCOURSE
on 2007-11-21 13:32:08
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Wow. Im amazed that you came out this strong. not saying that you wouldnt just.. i dont normally see women do it. Im proud. I dont know you but i am proud. Keep writing. Im intrigued now!
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Posted by Iced_Nympho
on 2007-11-26 10:14:41
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