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| slow realisation....... The irony!!
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Well I had yet another counselling session today, (I have been on treatment for depression since July but am on my way out the other side, i still have bad days but these are becoming less frequent).
These sessions are getting easier as I realise the accumulation of factors that have lead to what my children lovingly call scrambled head syndrome!!!!( the reason for their pet name is another story but has something to do with putting bread in the washing machine!!!!!!!!).
Well to cut a long story short through my counselling sessions I have started to realised that for some years now my marriage has been bordering on abusive, not physical abuse( although there has been violence in the past) but emotional abuse, when things are good they are very good but if there is the slightest problem he lays all the blame at my door, and takes it out verbally on the children in order to get at me. My 2 eldest are from a previous marriage and they get the brunt of it, in fact at with hind sight they have always got a raw deal from him and I just couldnt see it. As soon as I realise that he is in a bad mood I warn the kids to keep their heads down.
I said yesterday that I still love him this may not be entirely true, when things are good between us I genuinely believe that I love him, however tonight I realised that we both accept the marriage is over, I am relieved, if I really love him I should be upset surely? I think what is affecting me most is the fact that we are in the same house living seperate lives, with the kids walking on eggshells so that they dont upset him. What we all need is a swift, clean end to it. Im am having trouble finding affordable accomodation.
I know I have not been totally innocent in all this, but some if not many of the problems have been down to my mental health. For example, before I knew I was ill (my counsellor is convinced that I have had un diagnosed and un treated depression for many years) I have lost track of money and bills have gone unpaid which in turn has put us under finacial strain. Im not making excuses but at one time I could account for every penny I had, so I am convinced that this has been due to my state of mind.
The Irony of this is that , for all his faults, saw the state I was in a practically dragged me to the doctor, who put me on medication and referred me to the counsellor who has helped me realise that ,amongst other things that I had buried deep and Im not yet ready to go into, it was him that made me ill in the first place. Now that I find almost funny, but the end of a marriage is not a laughing matter. We are still kind of talking and Im not sure whether to bring that irony up. in a good mood he would find it funny.
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Posted by lostandalone on 2007-12-19 19:23:37 | Rating: | Views: 74
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I feel so horrible for all you seem to have gone through. My ex was mentally abusive. And my current husband has issues all his own. Love allows you to handle a lot of things that you probably shouldn't and wouldn't if you didn't love them. Not sure why that is. I say all the time "When it's good it's awesome but when it's bad...it's living hell"
Keep your chin up. I have found that when one door closes...a better one opens up. You are a mother and that gives you a strength that only another mother can understand.
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Posted by Brokenhearted
on 2007-12-23 19:54:43
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Love does cause a person to endure alot more then they should have to. Eventually we all must learn, Love does not conquer all :-)
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Posted by zeppelin67637
on 2007-12-24 01:14:25
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