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| The Crashing Dream Becomes Reality |
THE DREAM
We as little girls dream of the day that we meet the one chosen man that we are going to spend the rest of our life with. As little girls we are given Barbies at the young age of seven up to eleven and of course we have to have that dream Barbie Wedding Doll. Inside the package she is all pretty dressed in the most amazing white wedding dress. As we hold the Barbie, we invision our own wedding, we invision what it will be like, we question ourselves if we are going to have the same dress as the beautiful Baribe that came out of the package. Of course, we also dream of marrying some one just like Ken. He is to be tall, tan, good looks, great chosen career, and we see ourselves with the white picket fence, the dog in the yard, the cars in the garage, and two great careers.
As we age, and become teens, we still hold on to that dream, we want that dream to become reality, we want that man who is going to come into our lives and make what was once a dream, reality. We watch our mothers tend to our fathers, we watch our fathers tend to the family, and we learn about love and what it is and how to make a family grow.
When the day comes, and he enters our life, we instantly fall in love, date, and when that ring is slipped on our finger, we run out to the nearest all night store and gather up all the bridal magazines that we can find and call any one that will listen. We plan and plan and dream and dream, and when that magical day arrives, we go and try on wedding dresses, giggle laugh and even drop a few tears while we watch our mothers and fathers gush and wish that we hadnt grown up so fast, they stare at us and wonder where all the years went and wonder if this man that is choosen is the best man for their beloved daughter. As the day arrives, guest gather, the bride is amazing, the gifts are pileing up by the dozens, the scent of roses is in the air, the bridesmaids are done to perfection, the tuxes are all matching, the Minister is your chosen friend for that day, the photographer is snapping amazing life time memories for you two, and when the vows are exchanged, you kiss and hold that thought with every breath and when you close your eyes each time, you want to step back into time and remember that day that was filled with love and gratitude and wonderful memories. As you drive off you throw your boutique and you have now come to the realization that the man you married is now your Ken doll, he is every thing you have ever dreamed of he is your knight in shinning armour and he will do anything on you to see you smile.
Ok, now we wake up and laugh and think.....yeah right....what ever if that is not a dream then what is? In 1988 I thought I was marrying a man I thought I knew. We had been living together for four years, and marrying him was the next obvious thing. As the days become closer to the wedding I can feel a sense of urgency in his voice that he is having second thoughts. As I appraoch him with great anticipation and fear, as my stomach quivers and my hands sweat, I ask if he is having second thoughts. He dismisses my question with a shrug and then walks off. As I stand there i wonder what is on his mind, trying to shake it off and not put much emphasis on it, which i really should have, that alone should of been a red flag, i continued planning the wedding. Some days were better then others, but when the days were bad, they were bad. He disappeared more then normal and was gone for hours with no notice of where he was going. When he did return he was quiet and no responsive and wouldnt answer any of my questions. Insecurity began to set in and I tried to think that I didnt want to be that wife that questioned his every move and not let my insecurities get in the way, I tried to push the thought of him seeing some one else out of my mind. Besides, I was till tiny in size and was constantly told how pretty I was so I know it wasnt in vain that i was being worried.
With the wedding right around the corner, he became transparent and soon enough i could feel the distance grow even more. He became even more irritable and less into planning the wedding, trying to communicate and understand his feelings, I tried to give him space.
On the day of the wedding my mother and father went all out for me, we had an early sunday morning wedding scheduled for nine-thirty in the morning, when that time arrived he was no where to be found, he was an absent groom. Guest became whispering and my mom and dad became more and more angry with each minute that ticked away at the clock. I felt abandonded and used, i felt stupid for not following through with my feelings and postpone the wedding as I very well should have and paid attention to the red flags and listened to my gut feelings. But I didnt, I was in love and I wanted to marry him. As the minutes turned to sixty, and sixty turned into two hours late, he finally shows up and gives some excuse about sleeping in and losing track of time. With out thinking my parents grabbed him and dragged him down the isle and my father came rushing me to the end of the alter, we said our "I do's" and kissed a horrible fate of kisses and turned and right at that moment, right at that every second with all eyes piercing through my soul, with my last breath I knew I married the wrong man. i wanted to run and hide and at the same time shout out some one wake me its a horrible nightmare. But no I was standing there in a three-thousand dollar wedding dress and just about one-hundred-fifty guest and my mouth went dry, it was not able to speak. Guest became running up to me hugging me congratulating me, kisses me and my new husband. I was shuffled off to take pictures and thrown into more and more as the day went on. I felt as if my dress was choking me, i wanted out of it i wanted to set fire to it, i wanted to end my day of misery.
My brother had booked the Marriott Suite for us for a one nighter and in the morning I woke up, hung over, still in my wedding dress with champagne stains and food stains and torn and ragged bottom of a dress, it was creased in all angles and tight, my hair looked as if I had gone through a wind tunnel, as i stood up, my new husband was gone. Where was he? Where did he gone? there was no signs of him any where no left over socks from his tux, no keys on the dresser, no note that said went down stairs to get orange juice, no, there was nothing. I stood there dazed and confused, as I looked around the room, I noticed that all the money that had been given to us was gone, the checks, the cash, GONE!!! I was out of breath, I was scared, I ran down stairs and called my mom and dad, explained what happened and asked if they had seen him. They replied back, NO.
When they came to get me, I was still in my dress, as I walked through the lobby of this lavious hotel, I was starred at like I was some freak, my mother held her head down, my father was growling, I was crying, and as I hurried out of the hotel, they drove me back home to my apartment I shared with him. My mom told me to stay there and maybe he got stage fright or what ever and she was trying to be gentle, she was trying to be king, my father on the other hand kept reminding me of the mistake I had made. Feeling like such a loser, I wanted to bury my head. I wanted to die.
thirteen days passed, no husband, finally on the fourteenth day, he showed up, but he showed up with a woman behind him and a baby in his arms. i was shocked, I didnt know what to say, I stood there staring at this woman in my house and wanted to ask who she was, I wanted to cry I wanted to yell, I wanted to ask questions, but I froze, he turns to me and ask where the luggage is and as I point to the top of the closet in the hallway, he begins to pull down the luggage and pack his belongings.
he tell sme that the reason he was late to our wedding, he was in the hospital that day watching his mistress give birth to his baby. January 8, 1988.
So much for dreams
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