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Dating vs. Resume

Back in the days of dating, a guy would see a girl think that shes cute and want to possibly ask her out. He would then plan a fun filled evening with no expectations and either go to miniature golf or bowling or even the typical dinner and movies. Once the date was over the anticipation along with a thousand and one questions would begin, did she like me, did he like me. Did I talk to much or not enough, was I to much of a demanding person or did I show off to much. Lets face it, we have all had those nervous questions flooding our brains as we pulled up to the persons door that we were dropping off. Once the door was opened we secretly checked our breath to make sure we didn't have bad breath we purposely didn't order anything with onions in it just in case we got to sneak in that kiss or get close to them.

Yes we have all done dating, dating on all levels. I think that blind dates are the worse. You have a friend that has a friend that has a friend, your best friend who has been dating either this amazing girl or guy sees their buddy or girlfriend alone and they cant wait to tell them about this great girl or guy that would be so perfect for them. They describe this person as amazing, either the guy is totally buffed out and successful and alone and has been or she is sporting that total Barbie body and long flowing hair that is very sensual to others.

But wait....have you ever wondered if they are so great...why are they alone, why don't they have others pounding down the door of the person that you suddenly find out you are being set up with? Your brain is flooded with questions, and you wonder who your really going to meet. Remember ones version of what some one looks like is not the same of another persons version. For example: you may have a friend that is a little chunky around the middle and they may find that attractive and you just don't find that very attractive, then you also may have a friend who is skinny and thin and you really don't want to hold a bag of bones!!! So when that oh-so-wonderful person that has been described to you is standing on the opposite side of your door and knocking, you are filled with thoughts of excitement and anticipation of expecting to meet this wonderful person.

Then the door opens....and your excitement level has just been shot down from a high ten to a zero. You think oh my god, am I really stuck with this person for the whole night and the minute they get in your car your wishing that you were dropping them off.

Oh wait, what about that poor excuse of the "emergency phone call" you know the one that you plan with your friends, you can't say its your kid calling and he has fallin and broken every inch of his arm, so you use the poor excuse of your mother or grandmother or we even push the envelope and say our great great grandmother, you know the one that should of really ridden over on the Mayflower, then suddenly as you exit out the door and climb into this persons car you reach into your purse to find your cell phone to text a friend, and there it is, you silly fool, you left your cell phone on the counter of your bathroom, you know the bathroom where you were calling all your friends and bragging about how you got set up with this hot guy....

What seems like hours is really only minutes and you would rather have needles stuck in your eyes, or poked down the tip of your fingers one at a time then been seen with this person who just unloaded that they have fallen love at first sight as they drop you off at the end of the night.

Yes, we have all experienced that including myself. I can remember one blind date, my friend Anne (whom I no longer speak to) told me of this great guy, hes tall (one of my requirements) successful (another one) and funny (and yet, another one) and I never once thought of his appearance...boy when I opened the door, and I have to be honest...I thought if I get real drunk he might look good. Didn't happen... I drank seven kamikaze shots, six strawberry margaritas, four shots of tequila, and still when I looked at this guy he was still just plain Joe to me!!!

No sense of humor, dry personality, and just boring!!! My attention span with him was maybe and I'm being generous, a two. When i got up to go to the rest room I was stopped by of course, by "several" good looking men and they asked me what i was doing with him...of course good looking men would be at the bar and alone and I'm on a date from hell!!! I took a deep sigh and just walked off and went to the bathroom where I proceeded to barf my lungs up from all the alcohol. When I got back to the table there were remnants of barf on my shirt. He wanted to baby me and he actually dipped his napkin in his water and proceeded to dab my shirt to clean it. Ok that's just gross!!!

Times have changed now...modern dating has now arrived...and I mean modern dating as the "Internet dating websites" who ever thought of this was either really pissed off or they thought they were sitting on a fortune. So as we sit and share our woes of horrible dates and would never go out again with them dates...we turn to the Internet.

Have you ever noticed that Internet dating is sorta like job scoping. You know, you go to yahoo hot jobs and put in lets say...interior design, you enter the city, how many miles you want to travel to and from work, the hours, the pay and when you can start...you push that lovely button...send...and then rows and rows of jobs appear. You go through each one of them one at a time, read the benefits, about the company, what they have to offer, and then you maybe decide to send in your application and with your talents and skills you think your great fit and a shoe in for the company.....seven days go by, not one word...the phone doesn't ring, you wonder why, I have all the skills and talents that they were seeking, was I not experienced enough, did I not have the right talents...was my expectations to high? So then once again, you get back on line, search other jobsand start all over again, it is a complete mind blowing experience and with each job, you think you have all that it takes and that your phone is gonna start ringing off the hook....but it doesn't.

See where I'm going with this...internet dating is just like searching for a job....you find your comfy place in home, you have hot tea or your coffee or even your favorite soda and you have heard such great reviews from other friends that have met great guys on it and your excited, a whole new era has developed. Something different, you get to see the man before he shows up at your door...what a concept!!! So you enter the site, and then it says...members name...members name? what the hell, I have to come up with some thing spiffy and flashy in order to have some guy or girl find me attractive or catching or even witty, so you sit and think...you think of your qualities, your talents, your accomplishments and you even scope out a few others names to get some ideas....I actually read a name on a dating website..."log hammer" I kinda sat and thought ok that can mean many things...hummm. So you finally decide on a name, you create a password, and then your hit with your likes and dislikes...well I like walks along the beach, yet I hate to get sand in my shoes, I love seafood restaurants yet I hate to go fishing, so you think what are my likes and dislikes...then they want your eye color, so you get up and stare at yourself in the bathroom mirror and even pull out your zoom lenses of your mirror and look with question in your eyes, blue, nah, aqua blue, no to sissy, I know just blue, then they want your hair color, ok so are they talking the hair color before the Grey showed up or the color you get out of box now?

Then comes the jock questions...are you into baseball, basketball, football, soccer, volleyball, so to seem even more interesting you mark all of them thinking that makes you more appealing, then you have what you like to do outside, so you decide to kinda elaborate here and mention that you happen to climb Mt Whitney in a six hour period...right!!! sure!!! and to top it off you even might mention that you went to Spain and did the running of the bulls, but then you cross that off, you think, wait if they see me naked, then there wont be any real evidence of a bulls horn that pierced my body...scratch that.. so then you stop and think, and you ponder on your life and then you suddenly realized that you really haven't done a lot of great things with your life, you get up in the morning and stumble to the kitchen with your disgusting morning breath, fumble to make coffee, hop in the shower that you thought was hot water finding out that you didn't pay the water bill and the water is freezing cold, you get ready for work, hop in your half beaten up 1984 car that is on its last leg, and then you remembered you put on that site that you drive your convertible sports car down to the beach on weekends blasting U2 while you drive up and down the coast...ut oh, problems...you shrug it off and then take off for work to only sit in traffic for two hours, barely make it to work to have a stuffy over bearing boss breathing down your neck of minimum wage job...

Then comes the weight...here we go!!! Should I lie and say I weigh fifteen pounds lighter, or should I tell the truth? Come on who tells the truth about that.. Not even I do. When was the last time you put the actual weight of yours on your drivers license??? Then they want your height, you for woman it may not be a big deal, but for men for some reason they seem like its the ill fated death of they put down less then six feet. I have yet to figure that out. What, they think that we wont notice when we meet them? Here we are expecting to me a George Clooney look alike only to really meet Freddie Kruger's nightmare himself and he is only five feet six inches. Like we cant tell...

Now they want a picture...OH GOD!!! they want a picture of me, why? Do you have any idea how many men and women have bought a frame and then used that fake picture of some one that kinda resembles them and use that as a picture of themselves??? I tell ya...A LOT!!! or better yet they go to the part of their computer that holds recent pics that Aunt Martha did on that horrible summer vacation and she sent you the one of you sun bathing and you fell asleep in the sun and she snapped that lovely picture of you cooked and beat red. There is never really any good pics of some one so you get up and do the obvious....you primp, you fluff, you dab with lipstick, you put on cologne (like they can smell or they have smellivisioin on their computers) and then comes the digital and after taking twenty five shots only one good one really works...There it is, that's the pic that is gonna be used...so you download, review, eh, its ok...and you hit..,.SEND!!!

Kinda like a resume isn't it. your resume objective...what your looking to accomplish...your dating website objective... to find love....your skills on your resume...your accomplishments...your dating website skills...what you can offer some one and what you want to achieve...your present jobs...how long...what you did...your dating website...your past, your present...your future.

Then you sit there and you have the eternal right to scope through the thousands of people that you think you may want to contact...kinda like employers...you send in your resume and they scope you out and if you have the talents and skills of what they want then they contact you...kinda like the dating website...you have what it takes, enthusiastic..good looking. hell why not?? So you find that little box that is blinking...send message...send message...so you click it and think...geez I have to think of something catchy and witty, something that grabs their attention so that they get back in touch with you....and suddenly you find yourself checking and checking and rechecking your email in box and you even ask a co-worker to send you and email to see if your email is working (by a show of hands how many have really done that???)

Then it happens, you get that returned email, he or she is interested, they say hi, how are you, thanks for viewing my page about me...and you see it, they have other pics of themselves on there so you click it and think...yeah baby I get to see more of them....so you scope out the goods, say yeah not bad...you respond...lets meet for coffee...the date is set..your excited..you think very cool this dating website stuff is rad!!!

You drive up and check yourself, check your watch, you know you don't want to seem to eager and show up to early, waiting is good for soul it drives up the interest more, or so they say. You pull down your visor and check your teeth, good no parsley from lunch...no left over food. You fix your hair, then suddenly some one drives up, your stomach is doing summer saults...your exited you have that thing that you did back in high school...butterflies...ahhh how cute...and they get out of the car...and turn...and your like OMG what the hell!!! You've got to be kidding me???

They resemble nothing like their picture....why is that? I remember one guy that I met on a local free dating website...wholy cow...he sent me this email and said hey, your cute...and I check out his pics and was like wow way cute...checked them out again and again and thought about it and pondered on it and said hell why not, what do I have to lose...we talked on the phone, and with in one hour on the phone I knew every thing about him and if given the chance I would be able to create his life history from the computer and find his great ancestors.

There it is...the day I meet him for coffee...he told me he just bought a brand new sebring car silver, he was very excited about it, so when i was sitting in the parking lot of Starbucks, i was waiting in my car, and up he drove parked, and when he got out or was trying to get out I noticed he was kinda havin a hard time...I thought what is he doing, then out of no where he pulled out a walker popped that bad boy open and pushed himself to the door I was saying to myself over and over...oh god no!!! Please no!!! I'm pretty sure he was those suspenders under his pants to hold up his socks. As he gets to the front door, he fumbles with it and then finally gets in, pushes himself to find a seat, and S-L-O-W-L-Y sits down, he reminded me of my grandfather when I would help him sit or get up...Thinking I'm safe because I am in my car and sporting my black glasses that cover most of my face.. he begins to look out through the window and then he sees me, kinda hard to miss me with bright red hair. So he flags me in. I was gonna take off and just ignore his calls ( I know that's mean) but I was already caught so go with the flow...

As I went in, of course the place was packed, I find him, and walk up and introduce myself, he introduces himself, we shake hands, and then I sit. Silence.. you know that death silence, that silence that when you feel like your blind folded and have a cigarette in your mouth and your gonna be shot any second and all you hear is ONE...TWO...any last request...THREE...BANG!!!

He was polite, but I couldn't help but stare at him.. I was thinking who the hell is this did his dad come for him instead to tell me he is sick or he got run over by a car or he is being held hostage by some would be robber??? No, he said his name, I'm stunned, so he leans over tries to pull out his wallet and just about falls out of his chair and the only reason he didn't was because I caught him from falling, he opens his wallet, hands me a twenty dollar bill and ask me to go and order black coffee and a cup of water and get myself what ever I want. I shrug my shoulders and say sure...when I come back with the two coffees and water, there is this pill box with a rubber band around it and its filled with pills.. all kinds of pills and he starts popping them...I wanted it to be over...I wanted to get that fake phone call from my daughter, or that one that says she is sick and I have to come home.

We sit and chatted, lets see if I remember every thing...he was in the Navy and they retired him due to a back injury at 35, then he was playing baseball and a ball hit his jaw broke his jaw had it wired shut for six weeks, lost a ton of weight and then, had two strokes one at 43 and one at 45 and now he is on disability collecting a whopping 900 a month and he rents a studio.

What was in his profile was nothing like what he was and that is the A-typical for dating websites. Filled with phonies and fakes and people that aren't honest.

Yeah dating is like a resume.... There are so many horrific horror stories I could share and trust me they would keep you laughing...

Posted by looking_4_sanity on 2009-11-07 01:23:40 | Rating: