So, my best friend (whom also happens to be my first ex-boyfriend) and I were chatting the other day. He somehow found a way to make me talk and spill my guts. I told him how I felt. He showed that he cared, he didn't tell me how he felt though. I'm somewhat hurt. I'd like to know how he feels. He asked me, "do you like me enough to kiss me when I see you?" As childish as it sounds, but I still found it to be cute.

Is he leading me on again so that he could break my heart? To get his sweet taste of revenge because of our long-'forgotten' past? He was mad at me for not coming out clean earlier. Now, he tells me that he can't wait until I graduate and go back home. Now, he tells me that he is really considering come to visit me in California. I don't know.

We kept talking for a while, and we eventually ended up talking about our history and our memories. He remembers the amazing details of everything we've ever done. I thought I was crazy to remember such things, but then he comes along and proves to me that I'm not the only crazy person.

I thought I wanted a particular individual, I thought I would be able to get to know other guys and just live my life normally. But now...10 years into our friendship, he tells me how he really feels. I don't know what to think anymore. When I was younger, I used to pray to God to let the two of us get married. Now, 10 years later, I still wonder if I have the chance of carrying out that prayer. If I could choose, I'd choose to be with him. He makes me laugh, smile and think. He hears me out and helps me through. I feel comfortable around him. He's not only considered my ex-boyfriend, my first "love", but also my best friend.

I want to be with him. I do. But I don't know what to do now. I mean, he hasn't mentioned anything about the way he feels. After that chat conversation, we chatted a couple of times and that was it...but even those chats seemed to be quite direct and straight-forward. It just bothers me because I really want to know where he stands, maybe it'll help me figure out what to do with my life from now on. I mean, can I still hold on to the hope of us being together some day, or do I move on and just let him know how I feel and remain clueless about the way that he feels?

What do I do? Do I ask him or wait for him to say something? Do I continue to talk to him not knowing where we're going with this? Should I go out and meet guys and live my life like I did about a week or two ago? I'm confused. I want to know. I need to know. To be able to move on and not live in "what-if" phase for the rest of my life...I'd really like to know. But how do I bring the topic up again? What do I say? What do I do? I'm confused. Please help. Somebody. Anybody!!