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Wow, it has definitely been a while since I was last on Thoughts.com. I didn't forget about my page and I definitely haven't been free of thoughts, ideas, or worries. Well here's an updated with what happened since the last time I was on here.

I went to court, and wasn't able to get the restraining order. The judge decided that I did not have sufficient evidence to support my need of a restraining order...I guess the fact of him being a registered sex offender meant nothing. It's quite sad how our system works sometimes. That day, after the court hearing, my best friend and I went to my apartment with two bottles of wine and brought two more later. We were pretty much drunk before the sun went down. I had submitted my 30-day notice to the landlord, stayed at a hotel for about 10-11 days with security (everyone over there was absolutely wonderful). The stay at the hotel wasn't so wonderful though. I couldn't really move much, everytime I wanted to leave the hotel to get something to eat, I felt like someone was watching my every move. I couldn't go to work, and I definitely wasn't able to have a normal life for a few days. My parents arrived on the last day of my stay at the hotel, and we all had stayed with my uncle for the time being. I changed my phone number so that the stalker would not have any possible way of communicating with me, I quit my job (that was the thing that hurt me the most) in fear that he may appear there again, and my mother and I have leased an apartment for the summer. It's great being with my mother, don't get me wrong, but, it was all the consequences that I had to pay for opening my big mouth abotu the stalker that kills me. I haven't been going out much, and when I do I feel bad leaving my mother and my sisters (they also came to visit for the summer) at home. My mother drops me off at school and is on campus about 20 minutes before my class ends to make sure that I am safe and no one is bothering me.

One of the stalker's "witnesses" was in one of my classes, and he had the nerves to say "hi" to me during the last class we had. To tell you that I was uncomfortable, freightened and nervous is only an understatement of how I truly felt. Now that another summer session has begun, the witness is no longer in my class, however many of their friends are on campus and constantly staring me down. I couldn't tell anyone about that because I simply figure that I should get over it and move on. What's the worse that could happen? I see him again? Well I did...I saw him on campus, I'm not sure he saw me though. It was from a distance and I had quickly turned away and took the long way to get to class.

Every now and then I remember everything that has happened, and the consequences that I have paid (and still am paying) for speaking up. At times, I wake up for no reason and begin to recall the instances that occured. I can still see his face, feel his hands grab my arms, I can hear the knocking on the windows and feel so little, so helpless. He is the reason that I no longer trust people. I knew I had to change, I knew I had to take action to change my life around...otherwise I would continue to go downhill and only God knows what could have happened.

I was giving out some surveys two days ago, and I met this young man (very handsome, I must say), who was interviewed by one of my group members, and after he was done, he just stood there. I looked at him not knowing what to say, but we began talking. He asked for my phone number and in those few moments that followed, I had a tornado in my head. Part of me told me not to trust guys, which made sense because I had just met him, I knew nothing about this person, we just met on the streets, and for all I know...he might have been a sex offender as well. But at the same time, part of me was telling me to take the risk, to give him a chance - actually, to give myself the chance to live again; I mean, what's the worse that could happen? Things dont work out? He's a murderer, a sex offender, a stalker? Well, he doesn't know where I live, and I'll be leaving California in a short few weeks.

At the end of all the questioning, I decided to give it to him, and figured I owed it to myself to be me again, to meet people, to go after what makes me happy, to live my life, to be with someone - if even for a few weeks. Well, my friend and I went out with him last night and it was absolutely amazing. It was refreshing...I needed the change. He held my hand, he kissed me and he acted like a complete gentleman. As much as I want to believe that what I see is what I'll get, I am still hesitant about letting my guards down. I won't be doing that for a while...but for now, I think I'm happy again. I was able to get the jittery-nervous feeling that teenagers have around their crushes, I was able to feel like someone cared about me and not for any reason other than ME. Quite honestly, I thought that he would want to go out with my friend after he met her (that's what happens to all the guys I meet...which is fine, I don't really care), but he didn't. He was nice to her, but to me...he was perfect. It was like cutting him out of a fairy-tale story...words can't describe how I felt last night...I didn't want the night to end. We've been texting all day today and he just called me (12: 40am)...I wanted to talk to him for a long time, but I knew he was at work, and I knew I had to cut it short because my mom and sisters are sleeping and I don't want to risk waking them up. I just wish I could be in his arms for a few more moments...that's all I ask.

Enough with the boy subject already. Well, I was supposed to leave California later on this year, but things changed after the court ruling, and I only have a few weeks. As much as I am excited, I'm heart-broken. Yes, I miss my home-town, and I have had horrible experiences in California...but the reality of it is simple. I love it here, I have come to accomodate to the life-style, I was very close to figuring out who I was and what my goal in life was...and although all that came crashing down and took a backseat once the stalker came along...I was still doing something, I was going some where in my life. I'm scared to go back. I don't know if I will be able to live that life again. The life of "your business is everyone's business"; the life of, "where are you going, who are you going with, when will you be back?"; and most importantly, the life of where I have to hide who I am in order to minimize the amount of people I offend with my personal lifestyle. Yes, many of you wonder why I would change to accomodate society's needs or expectations, but the truth of the matter is...I am one of them. I love the somewhat preserved lifestyle, but then I think of the people I know here...the people who mean so much to me.

Many of them said they would come to visit me, one of them being the adorable guy I recently met, but I just wonder how many of them are being honest. If they do come I'll spend every waking moment with them, I'll take them to all the tourist attractions, to all the bars...to anywhere they want...I just want them to come. I know I will need a dosage of California once I am back at home for a while.

As the minutes pass by, and the count-down begins for when I'll be leaving California, my feelings grow stronger. I want to cry and yell out like a child and demand that I do not leave, but then again, I can't wait to go back and see how much has changed, to see my friends and to be with my family again. I look around and I wonder how many of my belongings will be given away, and how many of them will stay with me. I wonder if the memories I hold so close to my heart will fade away with time. I wonder if the people I know will remember me a year or two from today. I wonder if I have touched any person's life in a positive way...I simply wonder.

Throughout the years, I have managed to complain for a variety of reasons. I have laughed and cried. Felt happy, sad, angry, frustrated, stressed, lonely, loved, and most importantly, I felt welcomed. To leave all this behind feels like I am betraying the years I spent here growing and trying to prosper; betraying those who helped form the person that I am today; betraying all those who stood by my side for better and for worse.

I'll be back in one year to help my sisters settle into college, but it will only be for three months. I suppose it would be a good break from the life over there, and it would give me the opportunity to realize who was/is truly my friend. For all those that will remember me after one-year...bless your hearts, and for all those who will consider me long-gone and forgotten...it was an absolute pleasure meeting you, knowing you and learning from you.

With a tear in my eye, and thoughts in my mind, I say good night to all of you. Perhaps I'll be back in a day or two or perhaps it'll be a while. May the best days of your past become the worst days of your future.