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Sleeping to get away

Well, I'm a little more convinced today than the day that I came back home, that I truly need to get back on my depression pills. I can't do this anymore. My mother doesn't like my friends, and my father doesn't like the fact that I'm not working with him at the store. My sisters aren't happy with me because I don't want to help them with their school work, and my brother is acting weird, and it's probably because he wants me to be more girly, and less independent around his friend...something I won't do. I am me, my friends are who they are. I have the right to walk and talk to whom I want, I reserve the right to be independent and do as I please. No one is going to live my life at the end of the day, other than me.

I'm working at a school as a teacher for children (from preschool until second grade), teaching a variety of things such as English, Science, Math, Drama, Art...they're all simple, but fun. I thought I was just working to keep myself busy, but yesterday when my father, mother and I were talking, and I accidently told them how the principle is cheap and all, my mother jumped on the opportunity to tell me that I should just quit. It shouldn't have come to me as a surprise considering that she doesn't want me to walking or talking to my only friend here in Jordan. That same friend of mine helped me get this job and also happens to work with me at the school. I enjoy it so much and love the children too much to just pick up and leave. I can't just listen to my mother.

I know my family want what's best for me...but what they want for me is completely different than what I want for myself. They would enjoy the glorious life with new cars, big houses, great fame and fortune. Don't get me wrong...they give back to society by giving someone who THEN passes it on to the needy (or so they hope). I'm the complete opposite. I want the simple life, I don't want to walk down the street and welcomed by everyone, I don't want my phone to be rining 24/7, I don't want my name to be on the top 30 richest women in the middle east. I like to go and do good, and make sure that I give back to society in person, and not just give it to them through someone else. I want to go home to my simple home, with my lovely modest children and husband. I want people to love my family for who we are, and not for what is said about us, or how much is known for us to have in the banks. I don't want friends who have great etiquette and table manners, or who can talk for hours about politics. I want friends who I feel comfortable around, whom I can be myself. Where I can be around them and smoke if I wanted to, drink if I wanted to, cry if I wanted to. I want friends whom I can speak politics to, religion and stupid stuff all at the same time. I want people who don't care about what the world thinks of them, but rather what they think of the world. Trying to make the world a better place, trying to make a difference--those are the people that I look for. My family looks for those who have the so-called-power and so-called-comfort, both socially and financially. Living the life that my parents want for me, means disguising who I am for the rest of my life...it's not something I intend on doing any time soon.

My father just walked in on me asking me when I'm at home and not at work...I guess that's one way to say "Good Morning" to your daughter on a Friday (which is the beginning of the weekend here in Jordan). I hate this. They were managing just fine when I wasn't here for 5 years...why can they not function without me now that I'm here? What the hell? I HATE it when they ask me to go there. I seriously do. They know I don't like it, they know I don't enjoy it there, they know it's not my kind-of-thing to do. I wish we would just sell that stupid store and that way they wouldn't bother me about it.

I really want to get out of today's stupid invitation. I don't know how. I don't want to go. I don't want to be around the family. Everyone just talks about who married who, who got engaged to who, who's training to be a doctor, who's smart and who's stupid. I HATE those times. I'm really thinking about moving out of here. I love my family...don't get me wrong, but I COMPLETELY different than the whole family. My sisters and brothers don't know what community work is, they "feel sorry" for people, but are not willing to go down and see the people for themselves...they just believe what they see on TV or hear from people. My parents are too concerned with work, their social life and their financial standing. I HATE THIS. I really do. Does no one want to make a difference in this world anymore? What the hell is going on with the world? I hate this.

Part of me just wants to get married soon so that I could get out of here, but then I realize that I am too independent and different that I will probably never find someone to get married to. I feel like I am becoming a complete b-i-t-c-h with everyone I know because of all this B.S. happening around me. I think I'm just going to go to sleep now, it's the only way I could get away from all this, it's the only way I can get away from reality.