Another day with plenty of thoughts rushing through my mind. I will be submitting my 30 day notice for my apartment tomorrow, but I have yet to find another apartment to live in. It's horrible. I can't stay in the same apartment because my roommates are leaving as well, and I would not be able to afford the apartment by myself.
    I'm at work today, there is absolutely no one in the building, which makes me wonder what I'm doing here...I mean, why don't I just close up and leave? It would give me time to go looking for apartments I suppose. But even if I find places...no one would pick up my phone calls now or today. It's the holidays. People have familys, they have things to do...not everyone is working and has no life during this time like me. Oh well. Perhaps I could walk around, write down the numbers and just give them a call a couple of days after Christmas. I just hope I can find a place by the end of the year. I don't have much time, and my parents' patience is running low.
    My parents were always after me to graduate, and get my degree. I always told them that I didn't want to walk, now that I finally told them that I'll be done in May, they tell me they may not be able to attend my graduation ceremony. I don't know how I feel about that to be quite honest. I mean, I am somewhat frustrated because I've been trying to convince myself for years that walking for my BS degree would be great...now that I've finally convinced myself, they tell me they may not be able to make it. I can't blame them though. It all depends on my grandmother's situation.
    It's funny really. My grandfather (from my mother's side) died on my birthday about seven years ago, I wasn't able to celebrate my birthday...well actually, no one even remembered my birthday until the following year. I never said anything, and why would I? It's not their fault...I was just as devastated as they were. That was when I realized that material things could never bring me happiness...it was the feeling of love and family that I craved for every birthday thereafter.
    Now, seven years later...my grandmother (which is also from my mothers side), is hanging on to life by a thread. I don't care about the graduation...nope. The more I think about it actually, I realize that I just crave holding her, touching her face...I want her to be there on my wedding day. I want to be able to joke around with her and learn so much more from her.
     My grandfather (from my father's side) died about a week before my birthday about 11 years ago, I was too young to understand what was going on...I just remember the guilt that filled my soul. The guilt of not spending time with him, the guilt of not visiting him the day before he died...he had asked me to, but I didn't, I wanted to go out and play with my friends. I was a child...what did I know? It's okay. That's life. My grandmother (from my farther's side), died in her sleep in January of 2006. She spoiled me rotten. I still remember her smile, her hair, the way she ate, the way she used to yell at me if I dared to sit cross legged in front of her. She made me laugh, the thought of her makes me smile. That's good.
     My last grandparent, is now lost between two worlds. Doctors see no hope, and figure its a matter of time...her own children are confused and not sure what to think...her grandchildren see her as healthy as a horse...I wonder though, what does she see? When I speak to her, she tells me that she's ready to go, she tells me not to cry, and that she's okay. The odd thing is, I never ask her how she's doing in that sense, I never cry infront of her or over the phone...yet, she hears the tears and the screams I have inside. Is that what happens before you die? You start seeing through people's eyes and voices, and see how they really feel, or was she just going crazy? Who knows.
     My friend asked me why I like to walk at night, and all alone of all things. It made me wonder...why do I like to walk at night, alone with no destination in mind? I was able to come up with an answer though. I prefer the night because it doesn't judge me. I can cry, yell, scream and talk...the night and nature never judge me. They just listen as they blow the wind in my direction to wipe away my tears, they remind me to be grateful and forever happy for what I have. It's never a dull moment outside. Even when it's cold, there's still a lesson they try to teach you. Night and nature have a funny way of teaching us things though. They direct us, guide us, watch us and try to help us without saying a single word. Not even the strongest of people could ever do that to another person.
    I guess I've said too much. I should probably get back to work. I like this Thoughts.com thing. It really helps in an odd, peculiar way. Two more days till Christmas. Be safe!