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| I hate him and I hate what he has done
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I don’t know how much more I’ll be able to take. The few days wasted getting the stupid restraining order and talking to the police have pushed my school work behind. I haven’t been able to get a good night’s sleep in a while, when I do sleep, I have the same dream. My sister and I are in a deserted house, she’s safe, and I’m always running up the stairs and when I finally reach to the “apartment” with no windows, or doors, I get the one blanket available and roll up in a fetus position. I sleep under the “window”, cold and scared. I’m afraid and always anticipating the bullet shots. I always say my prayers and find myself shivering, both because I’m cold and because I’m scared, my sister laughs at me and tells me I’m being delusional. I wake up, and can’t go back to sleep because I see the window in my room, and I wonder if today will be the day I die.
Because I’ve been so restless, I find myself falling asleep during the day and in dire need of a nap, when I try taking a nap, I can’t sleep. I tried drinking coffee to keep awake during the day, but that hasn’t been working either. As a result of the lack of sleep, I can’t get any of my work done. I can barely stay awake in class, and it’s just horrible. I hate him. I hate what he has done to me. I can’t take this anymore, I really can’t.
I found out that I forgot to take a quiz online because I’ve been “out of it”, and I also found out that I have two term papers, three quizzes, and a whole bunch of other school stuff that I need to do, and I just can’t do them. I don’t know where to start. I’m extremely overwhelmed. I want to cry so bad. Perhaps crying will make me tired and make me go to sleep, perhaps it’ll let the frustration out and I’ll be able to focus. I don’t know. All I do know is that I want this whole story to end. I can’t keep doing this. I need out. I wish I didn’t say a word. Yeah, he was scaring me, annoying me, stalking me…but I was able to finish things. What is going on with me? I wish I could have answers. This is not how I imagined my last few semesters in college to be. I thought college was supposed to be fun and stressful. I’d take those two in a minute, but I can’t take this restlessness because of a guy thing, I can’t take the feeling of fear anymore. I can’t do this. I was not equipped for all this. I really wasn’t. I always tried to keep a low-profile. I never broke a law, I never wanted attention, and I never wanted anything like this. Yet, here I am now. Feeling like I’m the criminal paying the time for some unrecognizable crime that I didn’t commit! It’s not fair! I’m sure he’s just fine. I’m sure he’s studying and being able to complete everything on time. I’m sure he’s having a good night’s sleep. This is killing me.
Part of me wants to go to counseling, or get some stupid sleeping pills, but I don’t have time for that nonsense. I really don’t. I can’t afford it right now…I’m not even talking financially, I’m talking time-wise. I’m so tired. I want to sleep! This isn’t fair! ITS NOT! I want to yell. I want to know why he chose me. What did I ever do in life to deserve this?
I wish I could just quit school, because quite honestly, I am pretty close to quitting this whole thing. I can’t do this. I can’t. But then again, I can’t just quit now. I’m only a semester shy from my degree. If I give up now…I’ve wasted five years of my life and my father’s money. I wish I could just focus for a few hours, that’s all I need in a day. A few hours, maybe then I’ll be able to focus and finish what I have to do. Well, actually, I won’t really finish, I’ll just catch up, and with finals coming up…I don’t have much of a choice. I should have stayed quiet. I knew I should have. Me and my stupid intuition and being so afraid! If I were born to be senseless and a little stronger, perhaps I would have been able to take this B.S. I hate him and I hate what he has done to me. I wish I could tell him in his face that he has destroyed my life. I’m not sure he’d care, but I just want to tell him. I want him to know that his actions were not cute or “normal”. I want him to know that he has destroyed me!
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Posted by lonelysoul on 2008-04-23 00:57:58 | Rating: | Views: 121
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I've been there. It sucks that there's no legislation protecting our right to a mental health day. When you all in sick and say, "I'm struggling to get out of bed in the morning, I can't eat or sleep, and I'm on meds to try to fix this." no one listens. If it's not purely a physical illness, apparently, you should be able "just get over it."
Well, screw that and screw people for thinking you can "just get over" some things.
I still suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, over two years later.
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Posted by Amortiseur
on 2008-04-23 11:28:50
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i wish there were some words i could say that would take this away for you. but my words are just words. i can tell you that i'm rooting for you, that i'm praying for you and that i'm hoping for you. but that's all i have to give. i must have faith that the problems you face are equal to the strength inside you to deal with them. and i pray that you find that strength and kick these demons right back to hell.
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Posted by Slash
on 2008-04-23 19:10:40
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Thank you for your encouraging words. It feels good knowing that I have someone's support. Bless your hearts.
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Posted by lonelysoul
on 2008-04-24 10:45:50
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