Went for a walk last night, around 2am, it was both nice and refreshing. I was hoping I’d be able to clear my mind during the walk. My friend called however, and asked if he could join. I couldn’t say no. After walking for a little bit, he put his arm around me, then gently put his arms around my waist and gave me a hug that I was not aware I needed until that moment. He then kissed me; I backed off and walked away. I like him, I do, and it’s just that right now, I don’t think I can handle another thing in my life. He didn’t mind, and tried kissing me again. I let him. I think it’s because I wanted to feel wanted, to feel like I belonged with someone, just to feel like I’m someone and not just anyone. I had the nerves to send him a text after our walk and let him know that I couldn’t kiss him because I was afraid that I may start to really like him, I told him that I liked him for who he is. I got a text back saying, “it’s cool. I’m home and half asleep” I didn’t hear from him thereafter. I sent him a text today, I got nothing in response, and I think I scared him away from my text last night.

I woke up from my nap thinking that he was the reason that I felt the way that I did, but I think I was wrong. I applied for volunteering at a number of places…I’m hoping they accept me. I think it may help put a smile on my face. I want to go for a walk right now, but at the same time I’m tired, mentally more than physically really. Watched Homeless to Harvard (great movie), made me wonder about a number of things. What am I doing with my life? How could I live so careless?

My friend was telling me that she was amazed how we were both raised in a very similar manner in two very different cultures, but we ended up being very different at the same time. Her words were, “If I had $50 and had to choose between spending them on a pair of shoes and giving them to the homeless, I’d choose my shoes. You, on the other hand, would give them the $50 and probably take the clothes off your back for them. How could we be so alike, but so different?” It made me think about a number of things. She’s right, I would give every thing I have for the people who need it the most. I was talking to my other friend about dreams, wishes and goals in life. I told him that one of my wishes was to live in a really small house in the middle of a really poor neighborhood, he asked me why and my answer was simple, “how could we help those in need if we don’t understand them first?” He told me I was crazy. He’s not the first though. Am I? Am I crazy to want the simple life? To want to help all those that I can, to try making a difference in someone’s life, that’s my goal and my dream in life. I want to travel to Africa, to Palestine, to Afghanistan…I want to travel everywhere, and it’s not for my own leisure. I want to travel to see the children of the future, to help them in hope that they will help others later on in life. I don’t want recognition, fame or fortune; I just want to be able to change someone’s life for the better. I want to see a physically or mentally challenged person laugh like they’ve never laughed before. I want them to know that I love them even though I don’t know them. I want the orphan child to know that God loves him/her more than I. I want them to know that I may not be able to do much, but I’m here for them. I told my friend about all my dreams and goals, she laughed. She simply asked, “What are you trying to do? Become a second Mother Teresa?” It seems to me that everyone finds my dreams and goals to be a joke even though I’ve tried being there for them, I support them even when I don’t think they have the best of dreams or goals….my philosophy is simple, “if it means something to you, then it means the world to me and I will walk with you through the darkest alleys as long as it takes you to your dream.” I think I may need the support, but in reality, I think I just need to know that I’m not in this alone, that there are other people out there that want the same things that I do. I just need reassurance that I’m not crazy.

I’d virtually do anything for a hug right now. I haven’t hugged family in about a year. I’ve hugged acquaintances and friends, but it’s not the hug I’m looking for. The hug they give you is like a hug that just lets you know that they’re glad to see you, I need a hug that lets me know that I’m not forgotten, that I’m liked (not loved…I’m not greedy), just liked by someone. I want a simple hug that doesn’t require a kiss or anything after that, just arms to hold me. I’m surrounded by many people, and for that I’m thankful, but deep inside, I feel so distant from the world. I write here, on Thoughts.com, to let it all out. I can talk freely knowing that no one really knows who I am, making the whole judging process of it a whole lot easier. It just makes me feel safe. This is all I have. It’s so hard.

I just wish there was a place I could go to, run to. I walk at night to walk away from everything. Life is so peaceful, so calm in some areas…makes you wonder what everyone is doing. A mother tucking her child in, a newly wed couple cuddling in bed, a man sleeping alone for the first night in a long time because he just lost his wife this morning, perhaps people just looking into the sky making wishes and praying to the man upstairs for some help and guidance. You then have other areas where all you hear is the sound of shattering glass, screams and yells that reach the beginning of the road. Let’s not forget those who are sleeping on the side, using a cardboard as a blanket, using everything they own as a pillow, hoping they’ll wake up tomorrow in a different world.

Life, it’s quite the funny thing. We’re so blessed and yet we have the nerves to complain because deep inside we’re greedy. We all are on some certain level. Am I crazy for wanting the things that I want, for dreaming the dreams that I have, for having different goals in life than all those around me? Am I crazy for feeling so distant while being surrounded by so many people? I may never know, and it’s okay. We can’t have all our questions answered in life…if we did, we may not be the people we are today. Oh well.

Well, good night from this part of world, and I hope you all have a lovely day and an awesome week waiting ahead of you.