| View Blog
|
|
|
|
Lifes become worse so much worse and my reason for not writing on here for so long is because I have gotten to that point that not only have I pushed evryone away and cannot talk to a soul including my mother, it has become to painful to even write out my thoughts and to even share them with myself. To see what I write, to see the darkness in my words and to re read my pain, it's kills me.
Everythings changed in last few months and for the worst, and it's all out of my controll. I still live my life though as I did before, frantically and wishing I were thin and that someone will come along and save the day. I've never felt so alone in my life ever and everyday I wish I were dead becasue deep down I feel as though I already died along time ago. I've become bitter and I am filled with so much hatred and I truelly hate the world and evryone I meet. I never thought that I could hate so much and I've lost love and I'm loosing the ability to feel it and care for anything, I don't even feel love for my mother anymore so what sort of person does that make me? I've become a bitch, snappy angrey espeacially with my mother and father. I hate him for the life he gave us and the reason I am the way I am, and I blame and recent my mother for not protecting me from it all, from him, why didn't my familly rescue me from John? They left me in that abussive relationship for 3 years. My mother tells me that she blames herself for not stopping my father from being violent when we were kids and for years I loved her to much to watch her punish herself, but not anymore. Why doesn't she stop it now, why doesn't she protect me now, now when I need it more than ever? I'm 28 years old and living back as I did when I was a child listening to them screaming and smashing the place up, sitting here in my room crying so hard it hurts and having nowhere to go and no one to turn to and having that feeling of self harm overwhelming me. For monthes my father has began to kick me while I'm down and finding pleasure in making my life as un bearable and worse than he can.
I feel so very fat and missaerable and my weight isn't low enough, I'm not there and I'm on the edge and I'm falling and there's no one to catch me. Everything I do and evrythng I touch turns sour and bad, and I'm tired so very tired of living my life like this in starvation, binge eating and vomiting and frantic. I'm constantly in a rage of frustration and suicidal thoughts and I hate it so much and as I tried asking for proffessional help and being told I'd have to wait a year because of the lack of Welsh funding I just think what's the point what's the fucking point?
So I listen to Ana but even she's betrayed me keeping me within Bulimia when I want to be thin that I can feel my bones, I want to be thinner than 5st 8lbs and I can't even do that right. But I know that I'm not going to get better that's what Ana tell's me instead I'll get worse, I wish someone would come along and save the day. No one would want to see me better they'll hate me reguardless. I'm fat, everyone is tricking me, I can only listen to my head and do what it tells me. Those constant distant whispers I hear in the back of my mind the ones I can't always make out or make sense of, or understand them and my thoughts run in circles, do somersaults, and sometimes just disappear. And at the end of the day I'm so tired of talking so much, yet I have not uttered or spoken a word to anybody in many days, just myself and my head.
This is all I have to say I can can't express myself anymore, I'm done.
|
|
Posted by lonelyscribe on 2008-06-19 06:24:35 | Rating: | Views: 101
|
|
| |
|
|
| Blog Comments
|
|
|
|
|
I hope that you can quickly find someone who can help you with your issues. It breaks my heart to see people hurting so. Please seek help.
|
|
Posted by heatherslife
on 2008-07-01 23:43:31
|
|
|
|
|
|
Email This to a Friend 
