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I awoke this morning to sunshine filling my room it's such a beautiful day, but as It is not enough to cox me outside. I sit here now in my bedroom, curtains closed to block out the day.
I'm confused tired and hungrey, and Apathy and depression root me to my bed.
When I left John I thought it would be over, I really did. I thought that all I needed was to come home and get myself sorted, and that after a rest I could achieve the plans that I had been thinking about for so long, and now I was free I could do them. I'm a fighter, altough I thought I was, that's what everybody tell's me.
'You've come so far Bronwyn, don't give up now'
'You've over come so much in your life, Anorexia, and depression. All the problems you've had before that have pushed you down, you've got straight back up and moved on.'
'Were all so proud of you, you are strong and have courage.'
So, why is so different this time?
Yes I have been through alot, even thought that I had overcome Anorexia in my early 20's, which almost killed me. It is different this time, I've crossed a line and an eating disorder has a much tighter grip on me.
I thought at first that it could be just a blip, a reaction to the abusive relationship that I left. I thought I could fight it this time on my own, I'm older this time and I've been here before so I know what's happening to me. It's not the same though and I no longer have the youth behind me that I did 8 years ago. I'm not saying I'm old far from it, but when you've struggled so much and lost everything, pushing 30 and having nothing to show for it panic's me and I feel that nothing can change.
The truth is I don't know what to do and where to begin. I know what I don't want and my mind is constantley full of things I wish I had and wish I were.
If I'm honest I don't want to be with this disorder, the one that has played such a big part of my life for over 20 years, it's always been there and is the reason that I have struggled so much. It's held me back, and stoped me from living, and now at 28 I am full of regreat and mourn myself for the life I could have had, if I hadn't been ill.
I spent so much of my life hating myself and not believing in me and thinking that I was and ugly girl. Now I look back at photo's of myself, and wish so much I looked that young and pretty. I had realised that I infact was, I was pretty and what I'd give to look like that again, why didn't I realised that I was beautiful?
I do want help, but I am afraid to ask for it. I am so very afraid that someone will take my eating disoder away from me, I know you may think me crazy, but when you have lived with something like this for so very long, it is hard to let go. Ana (Anorexia) , Ana the name I give to my disorder is the only friend that I feel I have. She understands me and would never let me become fat, because If I do things would become much worse. At least I would be thin and failed as opposed to fat and failed. Ana tells me that all the things that have gone wrong with my life in the last 8 years has been because I din't listen to her, and that I ate and lived and looked after myself. She tells me that I do not deserve that, that I deserve only pain and punishment and that I deserve to die.
It's bitter sweet!
If I were to let go of Ana, then I would be letting go of my controll and I am so terrified of meeting someone like my ex again. I suppose I have no idea or even how to let go of this, and to think of a life without it terrifies me. But, if I did't have it, then I could be free and could get on with my life and live.
I look at myself in the mirror a shadow of a women I use to be, an ugly fat failure. My skin a mess, my face pale and my throat and hand sore. My body feels weak and my mind works in to over time constantley reasuring me that thin is better, and that I must reach my target weight. I only have another half a stone to loose for that target, but can I stop there?
Becuase I've been throgh this many time's before I know the consequenses, I know that laxitives could kill me, and I know that people will soon enough begin to talk about me. People will soon start noticing, and people can be crule. When I sit in the office which I try to attend to do my IT course, people don't know and they except my act that I put on that I am a bubbly happy person, but I am findng it hard to keep it up. When they tell me that I am very pretty I hear my thoughts telling me that they are lieing, that they are tricking me, that they are telling me what I want to belive. With a couple of people already whispering that I am thin, it won't be to long untill my secret is out.
I'm not sure of how much longer I can kep this up.
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Posted by lonelyscribe on 2008-02-10 08:41:38 | Rating: | Views: 211
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You have come really far. Don't turn back now. I know what it feels like. I could tell you my story but one thing I will tell you is you do have to take it one step at a time. I know because I am still doing it and I have bipolar disorder. Please keep up the good work.
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Posted by prettywoman
on 2008-02-10 22:02:40
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never give up, there is a reason this is happening but dont ask me? Thats so easy to say, give it to God, and tell him you cant do it anymore and see what happens. good luck, I plan om checking up on you!
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Posted by roe
on 2008-02-11 15:37:07
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Some people find reassurance in eating food and some people find reassurance in being the size of a toothpick. I just want you to know that everyone has a comfort zone to make themselves feel better, and obviously 'Ana' does just know that it isn't healthy and you should eat, but this isn't your fault.
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Posted by baileyw1
on 2008-02-13 09:51:56
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We are here 4 u, take it slowly, a long relationship with Ana would be taken seriously if you went for help, and they wouldn't take her away immediately from you, they would slowly introduce you to a new friend.. you x
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Posted by honey123
on 2008-03-13 12:23:03
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We're all hiding something from public view, I think, at least I hope we aren't the only ones doing that. I keep telling myself if I put on the face enough times, I will BE that "normal" person I pretend to be. Meanwhile, I keep myself going by counting my blessings every day, things that make me smile. Take care of your health so when the "good" times come, you can enjoy them without regret. Never give up, you only fail if you quit.
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Posted by eternal
on 2008-05-14 21:56:52
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