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This is my first ever blog and it is out of desperation. I feel like I want to disappear and it is getting worse. I recently moved to this small mining town and don't fit in and don't want to. I love the land around here, the wild red earth and spinifex but I'm finding it hard to fit in. I do art and reiki but my point of view is so very different from everyone else here.
When I am being myself they don't like me, and bitch about me behind my back and when I keep to myself and stay alone they keep asking me what's wrong. I'm worried that the way I am is affecting my daughter and impacting on my partner.
On Friday one of the women fronted me at the school and said "what's wrong with you". I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I just don't want to take the anti-depressants the rest of the town are gobbling down. I don't trust them at all. Tonight I had to leave a community event suddenly. It was really boring and I felt really uncomfortable so I left. I know this is going to make things worse for me but I couldn't stay - I was going to cry and felt like I wanted to be alone in my garden.
I can't hardly sleep at all and this is making it all worse too. I don't want to leave the house but after tomorrow I'll have to because my partner will be back on shift (12hrs a day for 4 days). i just want to disappear.
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Posted by lolaknight on 2007-10-21 11:04:59 | Rating: | Views: 123
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u know what..who cares wat they think, be urself for the sake of ur family, or move. u cant jus stay stuck forever, if u dont fit in, oh well, if they dont like u, oh well..u are u, and no one can change that
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Posted by sarah
on 2007-10-21 11:07:24
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thank u In the last week I have become totally drug free for the first time in around 25 years and i guess it is spinning me out
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Posted by lolaknight
on 2007-10-21 11:11:24
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hi lola!
could it be that you are rushing things? i mean, you say that you just moved to this new area. if you are 'different' for whatever reason (outlook, appearance, lifestyle, it doesn't matter) maybe you need to allow time for mutual adaptation. they need to get used to you and you to them. i'm sure other people are as adaptable as you if given time, as long as everyone is polite and pleasant.
just an idea...
:o)
cheers!
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Posted by badlydrawnstickman
on 2007-10-21 11:22:54
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hey, one thing ive learned through high school, which believe me, is as selective or more selective than most towns, is that people have opinions. but the thing about opinions is that theyre like assholes, everyone has one and they all stink. you need to just forget about everyone else, and live your life. dont worry about fitting in, or about being something youre not. worry about your kid and your partner. never pay attention to the public consensus, cuz that just backs you into a corner. but, thank you for joining our little blogging community, we are glad that you have found a place to express yourself, and i think that most of us are more than happy to offer our advice.
stay safe
J.F. Waterman
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Posted by tiberiusburns
on 2007-10-21 13:08:16
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First bit of advice, when you hear that train coming?--you know, the voices in your head start picking up speed...chugga chugga...all the what ifs and woes start adding momentum?...JUST BREATHE! Take a second of your life and shake it out. A deep breath does wonders sometimes.
ANd, i have recently heard that a natural cure for the jitters or panic/depression are...ready for this?...natural foods! Bananas particularly are good for positive brain chemistry--no wonder I suffered so bad at 14, I wasn't eating my bananas. Oatmeal--if you like that sort of thing regularly:P bleh--is also good. Preferably the carton style versus the lil singles you can buy which have more preservatives. Preservatives, caffeine and sugars are your enemy.
As for fitting in, been there, hated that. I consider myself an average, decent, good-hearted guy...which seems to even be something not wanted by the majority. People used to look at me like a hypocondriac with a God complex. I tried to look nice and was going to church...uh, OOOO! Scary! Sorry I wasn't sneaking alcohol, having sex in the parking lot or doing drugs. But, I am not going to do that just to fit in.
Then I think of those who literally appear like outcasts. They physically dress a certain "outlandish" or Aquarian rebellious way--you know the type, facial or body piercings, hair dyed a crazy color with odd shaping, baggy militaristic pants with chains and a tshirt with a message or image that might scare people off. Now, sure, there are alot of them and they are people too--and heck, I am sure they fit in or get along with many others ironically well--but to me, I can see why they might be rejected or avoided.
As for anti-depressants, be very careful(and if you say the town is taking them like breakfast or birth control pills, I am REALLY scared). I've seen too many go down that road only to run into problems. And, there will always be the few who DO do well with them. But, I am not a pill or needle person. I hate shots and struggle to swallow pills. And, when you are given something that is supposed to help you feel more cheery, and it is stopping your tears from physically falling while racing your heart rate to dangerous levels...I'd say PASS! In the toilet you go(although, now they say that sort of sanitation is not safe:P So, dispose of them some other way--but my gosh doesn't THAT say something? some of these pills that can harm you if you even just touch them).
Oh and one last thing...as for that last comment about forget everyone else and just focus on your mate and the kid...that, I'd say, is only half right. Yes, when no one else seems to find common ground with you to start a friendship, it can be your saving grace knowing you have love in your life. But, do NOT simply say F*** the rest of you for not accepting me...the combination of what might be the smell of fear or your life status(some may not feel able to mingle with someone taking care of a kid and a mate whos on the road or away--maybe they have similar pains they don't want to share) and the outright rebellious disregard one can have for society would create quite the chemical reaction to turn you either into one of those lucky popular "screw the world" rebels who seem to find others like that...or just further on the outside eventually looking back in as those angry eyes soften like a puppy's into "anyone out there?"
Think about it.
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2007-10-21 13:29:01
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Welcome, they said it all upstairs and I agree. J.F. Waterman and I both have the same catch phrase so Stay Safe.
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Posted by Rainbow
on 2007-10-21 16:02:36
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