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i want to use this blog to write about my life - with depression, anorexia, and just generally. I feel that i've run out of people to talk to. It was my "best friend" who caused the mess in the first place, and without him i have no one my age. My parents simply cannot understand...and even with the therapist i am supposed to talk to about my anorexia, im not really able to explain things. If you know me, you'll know quickly that this is me writing, and you'll know everyone i'm writing about.
We'll start by going back to my first year of senior school. On the first day of year 7, i met this completely mad boy, E, and we clicked immediately, becoming glued-together best friends for the whole year. We did absolutely everything together, and wrote letters to each other all the time to explain the feelings we had for each other that weren't really usually said in year 7. At the end of that year, I moved house to the other end of the country and so changed schools, leaving him behind, and my parents telling me it was probably better to forget about him because we wouldnt be able to see each other again, and i would "make loads of new friends". We still wrote to each other, but it fizzled out.
Two years later, I ended up going back to the first school when my parents moved again. Me and E hit it off again straight away, although he was shyer, and thought i'd grown up more than him (just because he'd not seen me - i thought he'd grown up more). After not very long, it came out that he had fallen in love with me, but I just wanted to be his friend. Best friends imaginable...but just friends. I was in love with someone else, T, for the whole of that year, and the next, but E kept loving me, and was my confidante and support throughout the whole relationship and all its messes and upsets (there were many), but also had to cope with me being happy with someone else. He did go out with other people, but it never worked and he would always came back more in love with me...
E supported me through the depression which resulted from the breakup of that relationship, being the best friend i could have wished for, simply the kindest person in the world, but never pressured me for a relationship with him, just gently reminding me that he was always there. I never really "fancied" him...but starting doing things with him sexually to make him happy, because i believed that he was really my soulmate and there was something wrong with me for not liking him. Also, because we were so close, it made me happy to see that I had made him happy...resulting in him losing his virginity to me, something which, having been in love with me for 6 years, was very special. The relationship was like this for a year and a half, through the second half of year 11 and all of lower 6th. All of this time I was still in love with T, but E knew the complete truth of these feelings all the time, there was never any deceit involved. During lower 6th, I lived with E at the weekends whilst at boarding school and was very happy, but it was never perfect because of my feelings for T and recurring depression. However, we had promised ourselves to each other, and said to each other that we were unofficially engaged.
In about june this year, i became aware that E had feelings for someone else, C. I'm not really really sure how I knew, I just think when you are so close to someone, you sometimes can feel their thoughts without them saying them. Anyway, I did nothing, because I am known to over-worry, and couldnt believe that I could ever lose him, really. Then it became pretty obvious that he was cheating on me, but even during the summer when i missed out on a party because i was on a family holiday and a friend told me that they had slept in the same bed after the party, I believed him telling me that it was nothing. I knew it wasnt, but I loved him too much to actually let go. Eventually though, I broke up with him, but he cried his eyes out and begged me not to leave him, so I thought that maybe i could be completely wrong, and took him back. This happened again at the start of the September term, and I gave in the to crying again. The first few weeks back were a mess, and I never really knew where we were with each other. He spent all possible time with her, but they both continued to reassure me that it was all platonic and they didnt want to "be" together. At a party one weekend at the end of Sep, in a game of truth or dare, he said that he fancied her, and I feel apart. We patched things up that night, and I, yet again, believed more lies that he wanted to be with me and not her. The day afterwards, he asked if we could have a break during the week and just be together at the weekends and, (god, yes i was desperate) I agreed. That just meant that I spent the whole of the next week watching them toghether. When the weekend came, and another party, I told him that I was purely going to his house to collect my stuff from around his house before going to the party. As I collected my stuff from around him room, he broke down and cried, the most I've ever seen him cry. He said he had made such a huge mistake and so desperately needed me back...and although I started off being strong, I gave in, and we ended up having sex. Afterwards though, was a shocking revelation "let's just see how things go tonight".
What happened was that he spent the entire night chasing after C and totally ignoring me, trying to get away from me to be with her, until finally when i asked to talk to E, and C came after us to tell us that "she didnt want to break us up" STILL! then she asked E "it is really worth it?" and I knew that i'd missed something they'd obviously already decided. the whole night is really a blur, but there are some horribly clear moments, like walking in on them kissing in the kitchen...and me threatening to kill myself, C saying "what if she really does" and E reassuring HER, stroking HER hair, and saying i would never do that, even though he knew i had tried in the past, because of them, and earlier because of T....i later found them in bed together, not "doing anything", but wrapped around each other and tangled up so tightly that i was in physical pain to see them. i locked myself in a cupboard and hit myself with a shoe horn until my head swelled up. This is now known to be the time my nervous breakdown happended, after the buildup of knowing the deterioration of everything for months. I rang my parents, who drove 3 hours at 2 in the morning to collect me and take me home.
I stayed at home for 4 days and ate nothing, apparently normal after shock, but then returned to school. I didnt really cope with school and seeing them together every day. They thought, and continue to think, that there is nothing wrong with anything they did, which is impossible for me to live with. I developed anorexia, and people picked up on it pretty soon (i lost about half a stone in a week) but I knew it, because its not the type of anorexia which develops from obsessive dieting...and the situation continued from october until the end of term with me being suicidal seeing them everyday and hardly eating anything, making myself quite ill.
I had planned to kill myself during the Christmas holidays, because I had got to a point where I really couldnt cope with being alive and coping with the amount of pain C and E cause me every day. On the last day of Michaelmas term, T came back to school to see me (he is older than me), and we ended up kissing and are back in a relationship. It got serious quickly, and we have decided to get married, but I'm not even happy there. I cant cope with seeing E and C at school, and everything they do hurts me so intensely. But now being in my final year and needing to take my A levels, I have to stay here at school. I hate C and E so passionately for what they have done, and their entire lack of compassion, I just burst into tears randomly all the time. I know the anorexia is really just a medical issue, but its affecting how i think, and its totally taking me over. There was a time when I wished not to love T and to love E, and now I want the opposite.
I hate my life so much, and i just seem to go round in circles. No one can take the pain away until they take away every memory of the last 6 years of my life with E, and as no one can do that, I can never be happy.
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Posted by locket on 2008-01-29 17:41:35 | Rating: | Views: 82
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many yrs ago i had an eating disorder. i was 26. even though i'm older now i could still go back to it so easy. i struggle all the time every time i gain any weight. my heart knows better but my head says do it. i have a lot of ups and downs in my life not even pertaining to food issues and always seem to take a whip to myself rather than the people that should be getting it. go figure! email me if you want to be friends. take care.
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-01-29 17:51:44
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