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I went to a marvelous cheese tasting two nights ago, with a doost (friend) whom I truly cherish and respect. She’s come to be somewhat of a mother figure (although she is absolutely too cool and doesn’t feel like she is old enough to be) almost, which is why, I wasn’t astounded when something she said, really ended up hurting my feelings, and left me a little raw. (Not that I am offended by everything my mother says, nor does she try to constantly offend me, but it is only in a mother daughter relationship that you are able to see the thin thin line between a harsh reprimand and love.)
I don’t think it was what she said, as much as how she said it. (typical). Here’s the background:
This marvelous woman is:
1. an enigma
2. immensely talented in every form of the arts you could possibly be talented in
3. has a heart of “gold”
4. really means well
and yet, here I am pining about something she said to me. Actually, it wasn’t even something she said, it’s this ego of mine…you see.
So this marvelous lady, I also work for her; she owns her own business. We work with a multitude of people, another being an Indian man/boy, if you will. He is an engineer and I am sure rather brilliant. So we’re having some random comfortable conversation about how smart he is, and then…are you ready for it? Without skipping a beat she matter-o-factly states “yeah, ____’s really smart. Smarter than both you and I combined.” I know it sounds stupid, but I was truly hurt.
The truth of the matter is, I wasn’t upset about the fact that he could quite possibly be a whole lot smarter than me. I’ve just never had my intelligence discounted so quickly. Pretty much, I had my ego bruised. Quite a lot.
I think part of the problem is, I don’t really let many people in to that aspect of me any more. I’m not comfortable with my “intelligence”. In high school, it defined me. In college, I ran away from it. In adulthood, I’m supposed to be able to wear it comfortably around my neck, like a prized jewel, which I’ve been entitled to my entire life. The thing is though…I’m not there yet.
Sometimes, I come across, as overly passionate and intelligent. Sometimes I come across as a young dumb broad. Sometimes, I’m just a total idiot. But I’ve never had anyone really discount my intelligence so quickly. It was quite unsteadying.
I mean, what does she know about me? She knows a part of me, the broken half, which I’ve neglected to put back together out of fear. But, that not her fault, that is completely mine…so why am I upset again?
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Posted by lmedison on 2008-07-18 20:58:51 | Rating: | Views: 34
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